Bath Party For One (PS Bath Haters Are Bad In Bed)

I have a sneaking suspicion that the kind of people who don’t like baths are really bad in bed. Think about it. The argument that gets under my skin the most is, “Why would I want to sit in a tub of my own filth?” Um, dude, if you’re that grossed out by your own natural oils, how about making like you’re getting into a public pool and doing a little rinse-off first? Besides, unless your a pig farmer or a Real Housewife, I highly doubt you’ve done enough filthy things with your body during the day to merit making a cesspool out of your bath water. And even if you farm pigs or sleep your way to the top, that’s just all the more reason to enjoy a long, hot soak, my friend. You clearly deserve it!

Marilyn Monroe bath Seven Year Itch

Marilyn Monroe in The Seven Year Itch, courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox.

Baths rock my world. I used to actually enjoy prepping baths more than I enjoyed being in them given that I’m a little bit ADHD and tend to get bored after about two minutes of sitting in bubbles. Not anymore though! I’ve invented the most amazing bath regime that makes a long soak in the tub my idea of a great party for one. Here’s how to soak up in style…

Make The Craziest Bath Water Ever
No beauty editor or other human being will tell you to do this, but if you really want to have a good time in the bath, you’ve got to make it feel like you’re stepping into a magical potion that will totally renew your skin and your life. I get a kick out of pouring things into a steaming bath of hot water like I’m one of the the witches from Macbeth brewing myself a cauldron… a cauldron of relaxation and stolen youth! I light a scented candle when I’m getting started while yelling to myself: “Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble!” When the water just starts running, I throw down some Epsom salts. I just use a generic brand from Shoppers Drug Mart that’s scentless so that I can add my own scent after. I like to think this cleans out my pores and relaxes my muscles. Half the battle is believing in a beauty product’s powers, right? Then, I pour in some of my favourite bubble bath of the moment directly into the stream of hot water to fill the tank with bubbles and the air with a great scent. Right now, I’m all about Satsuma Shower Gel because it smells like a tropical vacation without the hassle of having money or time to travel. To finish off my witch’s brew, I give the water a squirt of Johnson & Johnson Baby Oil, which I like to think locks in moisture. I have no idea if this cancels out the Epsom salt because I don’t really care. All I see before me is a bath tub full of happiness.

Have A Pile Of Stuff To Do
I used to view baths the same way I viewed playing Barbie as a kid: it was fun to get ‘er all dressed up, but I never really wanted to play all that long. These days, I’ve come up with a ton of things to do while in the tub… and some of these things are okay to talk about in a beauty column. When I first step into the tub, I do it carefully and avoid putting my hands in the water. That way, once I sit down, I can use the time to take my nail polish off. I know that sounds crazy, but given that you’re supposed to sit in Epsom salts for about 10 minutes for them to do any magic, this gives me good reason to carefully take the polish off my nails before letting my hands soak in the tub to clear off any residue of the remover. I don’t bother to take polish off very carefully if I’m just sitting on my couch, but the bath makes it more of a ritual. Once I’m done with my nails, that means my legs have been soaking for at least a couple of minutes and are therefore in their best condition for a close-to-the-skin shave. I use my new favourite makeshift shaving cream, Soap & Glory Clean on Me Creamy Clarifying Shower Gel, to give my legs an even crazier moisture blast while I shave my way to perfect cut-off jean legs. When I’m all shaved up, and if I feel like staying in the tub a little longer, that’s when I read articles from all of the last month’s issues of magazines I’m about to recycle but haven’t read yet. This way, I don’t care if they get wet or tattered, and it feels totally decadent in an ’80s kind of way to hold them carelessly with wet hands… and, of course, wasteful, shameless ’80s decadence is the best kind of decadence.

Moisturize Like Crazy
As soon as my bath is over, I step into a giant towel and pat myself dry right before smothering my body with Cetaphil Moisturizing Lotion. I love this stuff because it’s super inexpensive, so I can channel my inner Cleopatra as I rub it all over myself like body milk, leaving white streaks all over my skin and not even caring. As soon as I’m done icing myself like a human cupcake, I step into the kind of sweat suit only UPS guys and Swiss Chalet delivery men wear, if only because there’s a strange part of me that truly believes you can lock in even more moisture this way (kind of like when you lotion up your feet and sleep with socks on). I then watch at least one episode of Dance Moms or Game of Thrones while my gorgeously soft skin cocoons itself, mummy-style, underneath my sweat suit. Sure, this all might sound super over-the-top, but Johnny Depp and Kate Moss famously bathed together in a bath tub full of champagne back in the day, and everyone thought they were all the more glamourous for it… or maybe that was just me… it’s hard to say. But when I’m on my couch in my lotion-soaked sweat suit, I can’t help but feel like I, too, am almost that fabulous.

Vicki Hogarth

Vicki Hogarth is an award-winning writer and the Managing Editor at Vv Magazine. The former Senior Editor of Strut Magazine and Passport Editor of enRoute,she has interviewed Justin Timberlake in the penthouse of the Chateau Marmont, talked film over tea with Keira Knightley and gone head-to-head with Kanye West in an unedited battle of the egos. She has a Master's degree in English literature from McGill and is currently working on her first book. Follow her on Twitter @vicki_hogarth.

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