I hate when I’m watching a rom-com with a girlfriend, and the lead characters finally hook up and we see them in bed together the next morning, and my friend says the most obvious, clichéd thing known to the rom-com peanut gallery universe: “Oh, yeah, like anyone looks that good the day after a wild night…” Um, sorry dude, but I look that good. And that’s because I plan for it and throw my cares to the wind about sleeping with my makeup — inducing more adult acne in the process. I’m not even talking about sneaking off to the bathroom to do touch-ups. You can’t bank on having time to snatch up your purse to do all that. Also, the idea is to pretend that you’re so naturally beautiful, you don’t even need to refresh your face in the morning… so there’s that too.
You’ve got to put your trust in a handful of products that will look just as good the next day as they did the evening you put them on and wound up in this fabulous mess in the first place. After all, if I wanted the guy I’m seeing to know the real me, I’d stop pretending to be Gisele Bundchen’s slightly less attractive sister whose best friend, Monica Cruz, is the only other person in the world who understands what it’s like to be almost that beautiful.
Armani ‘Maestro’ Fusion Foundation Broad Spectrum SPF 15
The problem with wearing any kind of foundation or cover-up to bed, aside from the fact that it can potentially dehydrate your skin and block your pores like pouring chili down the kitchen sink, is that it can leave a noticeable residue on the guy’s pillows, which is obviously way worse. Straight guys are terrible at even realizing that women wear foundation, so it’s best to keep the illusion alive that your skin is naturally flawless by wearing a brand to bed that won’t streak his pillows, no matter how sweaty you happen to get. When I have flashbacks to a time before this product existed, it’s like imagining a world without music… or walks of shame with McDonald’s Sausage McMuffins.
MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Black Waterproof Cream Eye Shadow
For the perfect sleepover eye, you should opt for a smoky look from the get-go. It’s going to be a bit smeared in the morning, so you may as well beat your next day look to the punch by beautifying your eyes with this shadow, giving it a good smoky-eye finish. It’s waterproof, which means it can withstand things like a little over-heated behaviour, and it’s less likely to rub off on his pillows this way.
All you’ll need to do in the morning is fix it ever so slightly with your index fingers. I mean, the heroin chic look was made for those moments when you pass out somewhere else other than your own bed, like a guy’s house or beside the toilet at a 24-hour Denny’s, right?
Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eye Liner
This is my secret step for an extra dose of morning after glamour. After you’ve applied the eye shadow and smoked it out, do the thinnest line possible just above the lash on your upper lash line (not the lower lash line). This stuff is so insanely waterproof that it will still be there in the morning. Your mascara is going to flake off a little bit, but this helps create the illusion that your lashes are as thick and luscious as ever. Honestly, if I could afford semi-permanent fake lashes, I’d just go for a look that’s full Ariel from The Little Mermaid instead, but this is the next best thing.
Lancome Hypnose Star 24H Waterproof Mascara
If the name of this product alone isn’t enough to give you faith that you won’t wake up with eyes filled with burning flakes of tar, then you will just have to trust me that I sleep with this mascara on my lashes all the time and I still have 20/20 vision. Almost every girl knows that Hypnose is one of the most kickass mascaras on the planet, but the waterproof version of the famous mascara honestly lasts through anything: torrential downpours, super dramatic therapy sessions, and modern-day witch trials.
Bumble and bumble Leave In (Rinse Out) Conditioner
The problem with using too much product in your hair before staying the night pas chez toi is that it can matte and frizz-out by morning, giving you “Slippery When Wet” era Bon Jovi locks. Just opt for a hairstyle that you’d feel safe sporting while, say, in the back of a convertible, and use a leave-in conditioner that will not only keep the frizzies at bay, but will also leave his pillow smelling fabulous. After all, even if it’s a no strings attached type situation, you still want him to think of you when you’re gone, even if he’s merely thinking, I wonder what the hell Gisele’s slightly less beautiful sister is doing in Toronto?
What products take you from bedtime to brunch? Let us know in the comments below or on Twitter at @ViewTheVibe?