I know how to seem like I’m fine when I’m not. I’m told that’s not always a good thing. I have PTSD and I am versed in pushing my way through everything.
On Halloween, I caught the subway at my usual east end stop. I was in rough shape, having been triggered AF for days (months, years) prior to that but was pushing forward. I had things to do that felt a lot more important than, well, feeling.
A TTC employee announced an injury at track level, her voice obscured by crackling on the loudspeaker. We all know what a “track-level injury” is. I felt a hollowness in my gut. After the train pulled into Pape Station, employees herded passengers up the stairs and outside.
We all know what a “track-level injury” is.
We waited for a shuttle bus, fenced in and standing shoulder-to-shoulder. I thought about cattle. A homeless man went on about something ominous that seemed almost to come from outside of him. The end of days, or something. My head was hollow. There was ringing in my ears. I couldn’t really listen to him.
An older woman a few feet away from me talked about what happens when a person throws themselves on the track. She spoke graphically about how the cleanup works. Much as I wanted to, I couldn’t get the white noise in my head to mask her words.
A week or so after that tragic loss of life, I asked Susan Sperling, manager of corporate communications at the TTC, about the impact such incidents have on its employees.
“There are TTC workers, both operators and people, who do cleanup who are traumatized and do have PTSD and are on disability leave or sick leave. I don’t have those numbers offhand but yeah that is something that happens,” Sperling said.
Sperling told me that 2016 has seen 14 suicide attempts, three of which ended in fatality. That’s down significantly from 2015.
Sperling told me that 2016 has seen 14 suicide attempts, three of which ended in fatality. That’s down significantly from 2015.
“Each and every one of these is a tragedy because it’s someone who’s feeling the need to try to take their own life, and that’s a horrible thing. And it’s tragic. These are people,” Sperling said.
The TTC has several programs in place to address its suicide crisis, such as Crisis Link which the TTC runs in partnership with Distress Centres of Toronto and Bell Canada.
Sperling said that passengers who might be experiencing a mental health crisis can pick up the pay phone receiver in any subway platform’s designated waiting area, and press the blue button marked “Crisis Link” to have their call directly connected to trained counsellors.
It also has something called the Gatekeeper Program. The TTC has trained some of its employees to spot passengers who might be contemplating suicide. And passengers are encouraged to approach TTC employees for assistance.
The TTC has trained some of its employees to spot passengers who might be contemplating suicide. And passengers are encouraged to approach TTC employees for assistance.
Additional information regarding safety on public transit in the GTA can be found here.
If you’re stuck and you need help, you can place an anonymous call to any of the myriad crisis centres in Toronto. Call 9-1-1 for mobile crisis. Reach out to people you know—as scary as that can be (and I know exactly how scary that’s been for me).
Another option is to go to any hospital emergency room, such as CAMH whose ER is specifically for mental health crises.
I know this is some densely packed information. Just reading stuff like this can be overwhelming. So get self-care. Have a safety plan. Ask someone to read through it with you or to just be around in case you need to decompress.
And remember:
The hardest things in life will pass. Change is a constant. What feels like the end of days doesn’t have to be; it can be the beginning of so many better things if you just stick it out. Just get through another day. Then get through the day after that. Then the next. BECAUSE YOU MATTER. Your feelings and experiences are valid. And whatever your struggle, someone somewhere knows how to help.
RELATED LINK: TTC Sexual Assault Figures Reveal Alarming Truth
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