Yeah, That Happened: Condom Confessionals

Image: Pixabay

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a time where all parties involved played it safe with proper protection, yet had not-so-proper, après-the-fact protocol. Here, we look at a few cases where the counterpart’s condom mishaps left a trace, marking them at the scene of the crime. Be shocked by the condom confessionals below:

Pillow talk
He hit her up via text asking if she’d be down to meet up at the end of the night. “I don’t see why not,” she replied. Come last call, he showed up at her local watering hole where she awaited, just in time to down a shot of bourbon and saunter the streets back to her condo. It didn’t take long before their clothes were off, a condom was on, and they were accomplishing what he came for. She couldn’t help but notice his sly move, having a few rubbers available under the pillow (he must have put them there when they got into bed, so he could grab them subtly without doing that awkward try-to-find-your-pants-then-find-your-wallet-to-find-the-condom thing). Right before he finished F’ing her, he took off the rubber and came in her anxiously awaiting mouth. By this point it was 4 am (at least,) and they both passed out. They slept in and after a quick shower and making of her bed, they left her place. Later that night she heard from a former flame and very eligible/notable bachelor, ended up meeting up with him, and then going back to hers. They hooked up on her couch and then headed to her bed to crash, hard. The next day, after he left, she went to change the sheets, and that’s when she saw it. Her jaw dropped. Because as she lifted one of the three pillows he had slept on all night, she found the used condom (though not to completion) that the guy from the night before him had used. He must have tucked it under the pillow before he came, then forgot to toss the rubber in the garbage after the fact. That means that yes, one of Toronto’s most eligible bachelor’s pretty, little head rested on a used condom all through the night. Let’s just say she thanked the big guy above that he’s not the kind who sleeps with his arms under the pillow. Amen.

Image: Giphy

Piece of garbage
She woke up at his place, basically a bedroom in a house he rents a room in, where he sleeps with every possession he owns. Since he’s in the nightlife industry and was a full-fledged smoke show, she knew dude likely had many a visitors in this crappy little room. She commented on it and he told her he actually hasn’t hooked up with anyone in months, going out of his way to tell her that girls are never into him, blah blah blah…. He went upstairs to go shower, and she used the washroom directly next to his bedroom (that didn’t have a shower). She took an Italian bath in his sink, but still had makeup from the night prior smudged all around her eyes. Hoping to find moisturizer to rub the leftover makeup off, she looked under his sink. She didn’t find moisturizer, but she did find an open, garbage can filled-up-to-the-brim with used condoms. She saw at least seven before grabbing her stuff and peacing out his door without saying goodbye or giving him her number. At least he was safe!

“Do you have protection?” she asked him, in a breathy moan after things got real heated, real fast. “Yeah,” he said as he fiddled around in the pocket of his jeans that were splayed out on the floor. She heard the crinkling sound of a condom wrapper, and as he started to enter her (an amazing feat since they only met half hour prior) she felt that he wasn’t wearing a rubber. She immediately pushed her palm on his chest to get him off her and asked, “WTF are you doing?” She looked over and saw the condom was still in the wrapper, not even open. He said, “We don’t need a condom, what’s the big deal?” She pulled her skirt back down and her chin, as she closed the door on him and that situation.  

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Jen Kirsch

Jen Kirsch is a relationship expert, columnist and girl about town. She’s also an on-air personality, with frequent segments on Canada’s top morning and entertainment shows. You can follow her up-to-the minute advice and insight on Twitter at @jen_kirsch.