If the thought of melted cheese feels like a hug… if splitting a Swiss Chalet family pack is your ultimate dinner for two… if you think Doritos are technically not animal product, then this list is for you. Here are 15 signs you’ll never make it as a vegan.
Upon first meeting someone, there’s a lot of things you wouldn’t be able to determine about his or her character. While some things are easier to guess, like nationality and age, others are nearly impossible, like IQ, ethical values, repressed sexual fantasies, signature #selfie pose and, of course, dietary restrictions and beliefs. Yes, as hard as it is to believe, some people don’t consider 7/11 “almost as good” as the grocery store, especially if they happen to be vegan. While dating a vegan doesn’t necessarily require you to change your lifestyle, you may feel inspired to ween yourself off of animal products if your new romantic interest is ethically invested in his or her dietary choices. It’s hard to casually eat Chicken McNuggets like it’s just “your thing” when you know your beau holds people like you responsible for the death of innocent creatures and the globalization era environmental crisis. Going vegan might seem like an exciting challenge — a real opportunity to grow as a person — at first, but it takes a headstrong trooper to make a drastic lifestyle change (especially if you’re not doing it for the right reasons). Here are 15 signs you’ll never be vegan… so you can avoid the embarrassing melted-cheese meltdown and quit while you’re ahead.
1. Because you consider bacon an exquisite North American delicacy, and feel a deep sense of patriotism when you hear the words “Canadian bacon.” It’s the unsung hero of exports — the Al Gore to maple syrup’s Bill Clinton.
2. Because you sincerely believe PETA’s reckless with red paint. People who wear vintage should be celebrated!
3. Because when you get enraged by the thought of how many Oreos you could buy for the same price as a 6-pack of vegan cookies, you suddenly think you might actually be a Marxist.
4. Because cheese comes with, in, or on everything — or at least it should.
5. Because Harvey’s just came out with a BACON-BACON burger and it’s a beautiful thing.
6. Because no amount of vegetable trays ever satisfied any living human being after a night of too many beers.
7. Because Kate Upton makes a strong case for the carnivore.
8. Because no child hates spinach the way you despise kale.
9. Because it occurs to you that hot dog street vendors are your lifestyle choice.
10. Because mustard and relish exist! They exist, damn it!
11. Because going to a series of speciality grocery stores on the regular is what you’ve always imagined hell would be like.
12. Because Pop Tarts shouldn’t count as non-vegan!
13. Because you see the ‘hidden’ desire in your vegan friends eyes as you devour a messy pulled pork sandwich.
14. Because soy milk is NOT the same.
15. Because you’re already in line for the drive-thru. There’s no point in turning around now.
If you’re considering becoming a vegan, why are you up for a lifestyle change? Share your thoughts and answers in the comments below or tweet us @ViewTheVibe.