Mars One is an ambitious mission to pioneered by Earthlings from a Dutch non-profit to colonize the Red Planet in 2024. The 24 questionably lucky people who make the final cut will be the first human inhabitants of Mars. The only problem is, they have to leave Earth knowing they can never return. Sound like a weird Jodie Foster or Bruce Willis movie? It’s not! They didn’t even make the semi-finals…
Sure, ever since Mars One announced their mission to colonize the Red Planet in 2024, we’ve been wondering what kind of weirdo Earthlings would volunteer to leave their home planet behind for good in the name of intergallactic odyssey. Given that six of the 100 semi-finalists are from Canada, it got us to thinking that maybe we hadn’t properly considered the “pros” to peacing out of Planet Earth for a fresh start on Mars. If Mars One needs to audition a handful of spares, we’ll be ready because we can already think of 23 reasons to volunteer as tribute to Mars One.
1. Think about it: you’ll actually be a Martian… a MARTIAN!
2. A 210-day ride in a space shuttle might make a direct flight to Sydney in Coach sound blissful, but when you remind yourself that there’s no return trip and that YOU’RE SHUTTLING THROUGH THE STRATOSPHERE IN A SPACESHIP (!!!), it suddenly makes shitting yourself as you travel at the speed of light seem worth it.
3. Mars has 40 more minutes in a day than Earth. That’s everything the snooze button has ever tried (and failed) to be.
4. Microgravity is the new Botox.
5. World history suddenly seems so pedestrian in comparison to penning the tale of the entire universe. Churchill can have the farm team.
6. …and your new planet’s history won’t be tainted by centuries of war, hate crimes, and persecution. Cue John Lennon’s “Imagine” because you just found yourself a planetary ANTHEM.
7. The global sh*tfit over the actual colour of #TheDress is enough to make you realize Earth will never get its sh*t together.
8. Tinder’s starting to charge users for “special features.” F*ck that.
9. It’s impossible to fail at your diet when the closest thing to McDonald’s is three-year supply of dehydrated milk. Enjoy!
10. It’s like all these isolating, horrific Canadian winters have actually prepared you for something meaningful after all.
11. F*ck bras. With just a third of Earth’s gravity, Mars is ready for this jelly at all times.
12. Mars One directors forbid first settlers from procreating in space — which means you now have a perfectly selfless excuse for not having kids in the name of the future of all mankind.
13. Social media ruined Vegas, but what happens on Mars stays on Mars because Earth is, like, 225 million miles away.
14. Library fines can SUCK IT.
15. Sure, you can only ever go outside again in a spacesuit, but that means never feeling guilty about watching an entire season of House of Cards in two days again.
16. Mars has not one but TWO moons. Whaddaya think of that, Earth?!
17. You know how Vikings told the Scandinavians that Iceland was a miserable, cold place and that Greenland was where they actually wanted to be? Well, Mars means “war” but there are no wars on Mars. Earth, on the other hand…
18. If all six Canadians make the cut, Canuck logic predicts you’re bound to know at least four of them.
19. No one back home can ever resent you for not calling enough — not when sending a single text message back to Earth will take at least three minutes. And Christmas presents? Yeah, not even a thing.
20. You know how you’ve been trying to avoid your ex?
21. Being a human guinea pig still beats the rat race.
22. With limited access to internet, wasting valuable hours Googling “Kim Kardashian Belfies” just won’t be an issue.
23. When you finally do text home, you can use the line, “Greetings, Earthling.”
Would you consider signing up for the Mars One mission to the red planet? Let Vv Magazine know in the comments below or tweet us @ViewTheVibe.
