I’m all for a bad beauty trend, provided I’m the one who starts it and it serves an ulterior purpose. Awhile back, I attempted to style my hair while talking on the phone at the same time. One thing led to another and I accidentally answered my curling iron. The scalding metal left an enormous scar on my cheek that I had no choice but to rock for a good two months. The answer to my beauty woes was obvious: war paint. I started off going full Braveheart, and by the time the wounds finally started to heal, I was a sexy GI Jane. Problem solved and trend instigated! I’m not worried about things like premature female balding. Hello full skull tattoo! Shattering all my teeth? Oh hey there fabulous gold grill I’ve always wanted! Even the worst beauty disasters can always lead to creative beauty statements. That said, that doesn’t mean a new beauty trend can’t be a beauty disaster in and of itself. Here are four 2013 beauty trends I wish I could scald off the face of the earth with my curling iron for good.
Look, man, natural looking ombre hair a la Drew Barrymore circa 2010 is really hot. So is actual natural ombre hair caused by an authentic California surfer lifestyle (salt water + too much sun = dried out, bleached hotness that’s lighter on the bottom because the hair’s older, drier, split, etc). Hair that’s black at the root and ends platinum just looks ridiculous, and that’s coming from me, and I own, like, 30 onesies and a fur bikini.
The Hair Bow
Who’s your style icon, Princess Leia or Minnie Mouse? You can’t choose both. In fact, unless you’re 5-years-old, you shouldn’t really pick either. For an au courant updo, the top knot is the way to go, but the hair bow just screams “daddy issues” and is the current hairstyle of choice for girls who seem adamant about rocking the school girl look into their late 20s. You know the type: the kind of girls who think sucking on lollipops erotically and talking in baby voices will score them a hot date with a totally mentally balanced guy. If I wanted to pretend to be a virgin so bad, I’d join an ultimate Frisbee league or become a Nickelback roadie.
Excessive Nail Art
I thought it was pretty awesome when Katy Perry rocked Obama nails prior to the US Presidential election, but unless you’re using your nails as a mini billboard for propaganda, I’m so over the over-the-top nail art trend. Canvases aren’t that expensive, dudes. Neither is paper. Nothing says “high maintenance” quite like someone who can’t chip a nail for fear of damaging her only external representation of her personality.
Is it the zombie apocalypse, or has the Pillsbury Doughboy become a beauty icon and I just didn’t get the memo? I was recently in Los Angeles doing a story with a huge plastic surgeon to the stars, and he said one of the biggest trends in LA is actually filler removal because this sh*t just stays in your face forever, and you just keep adding more crap to the cement load every time you fill ‘er up – hence the chipmunk face epidemic in Hollywood. If that’s not enough to make you avoid filler forever, I suggest you Google image search “Simon Cowell 2013.”
Image borrowed from Fashion Square.