Oh the age-old problem of getting fit and staying in shape… What should I eat? What shouldn’t I eat? Should I do cardio or focus on weights? How do I stay motivated? How many of those infomercials can I get sucked in by before I’m legit bankrupt?
It’s tough out there in the world of fitness and there are many sharks who try to lure you in with promises of “Rock Hard abs in 10 days – GUARANTEED!” (in meathead voice) or, “Get a celebrity body without breaking a sweat!” Friends, I got news for you: If it smells like BS and looks like BS, it is indeed total bullshittery. Even if there is a smidgen of truth behind the hype, you’re guaranteed to look like an ass doing it. However, doesn’t mean it can’t provide us with some solid comedic fodder! Let the games begin…
Kangoo Jumps
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This ‘cutting-edge fitness technology’ promises to bounce you into the best shape of your life! And with ‘Kangoo Clubs’ sprinkled around our fine nation, there is obviously something people like about these contraptions. I included them because, let’s be honest… they look stoopid. I have yet to see any one bouncing around Toronto in a pair and if I do, I will LOL for reals.
The Face Trainer
Bahahaha! I’m so sorry; I just had to get that out of my system. OK, so the Face Trainer claims to offer resistance training for the muscles in your face in order to prevent sagging. Apparently 91% of the participants in the clinical trials said that they would recommend it to their buddies. Sure they would, because it would make said friend look like a total nut-job and we could all laugh at them.
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Wind-Relieving Asana
There are tons of different forms of yoga floating around these days – hot, Bikram, Hatha, Ashtanga to name just a few. This particular series of yoga moves assumed in asana-based classes helps air escape from your digestive tract. To put it more simply, it’s Fart Yoga. Now, I am not a yoga person, I prefer to get my sweat on with loud music and extortionate monthly fees. However I have heard horror stories from Yogi friends about the sheer embarrassment of letting one slip in class. So will someone please explain to me why one would pay money for a communal fart session… in an enclosed space?! Buy some Metamucil and let it work it’s magic in the privacy of your own home!
Speedfit Portable Treadmill
If running is your choice of cardio, you pretty much have two sane options: get your ass to the gym and go head-to-head with a treadmill, or take it to the streets for some nice scenery and ever-changing terrain. To mesh the two and bring your treadmill out onto the streets, well it simply perplexes me. And as with our other contenders, it looks foul. “Hey! Cool Portable Treadmill!” said no one… ever.
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Shake Weight
The Shake Weight has earned itself a place on this list for becoming somewhat of a pop-culture phenomenon. Officially, Wikipedia tells us that it “is a modified dumbbell that oscillates, purportedly increasing the effects of exercise.” What it actually is however, is a phallic object that requires the user to point it at their chest while it pumps up and down vigorously. I know the image that just popped into your head… go take a cold shower, show’s over!