As an inventor, Thomas Edison created items that propelled the modernization of humankind. We’ve been gifted with things like the phonograph, the motion picture camera, and the electric light bulb by him. Fast forward a few decades and today we’ve been graced with the new wave of inventions, namely – drum roll please – infomercial products. If anything, they’ve done society a disservice – can you smell the strong scent of fruitless purchases and consumerism in the air?
In all fairness, there is a silver lining in the clouds! They’re worthy enough to help us sustain a long bellyache of chuckles and provide an online wasteland of lovely informercial gifs.
Here are five of the worst infomercial products out there for your reading pleasure…
Better Marriage Blanket
Haven’t you heard? It’s a sin to exercise your bodily functions in front of your significant other. Nothing should be coming out of that rear-end. Ever. In fact, it’s so devastating that if you let one seep out – especially when you’re both in bed – then congratulations, you’ve just introduced a deal breaker into your relationship. Way to go. Your noxious fumes have suffocated your beloved. You’ve blown it. Literally. Fearful? You should be. How shall you salvage the little shreds of your dignity? With the Better Marriage Blanket, of course! Using military grade fabrics, even the smell of napalm won’t get through this baby.
Have you always wanted to channel your inner robot? Do you long to have a rectangular mailbox for a face instead? Well say hello(!) to the TV Hat! Simply put this on and you, too, can look like an imbecile. Let people know you’re so addicted to television that you need to attach it to your head in order to melt (more) of your brain cells – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! Bonus offer: copious amounts of radiation! A side note: You will be the perfect target practice for mother nature and all her thunderstorms and lightning bolts to strike at.
Rednecks are the trendiest thing since rectangular shaped watermelons. If you’re longing for acceptance by these folks (who should really wear more sunscreen), then rest assured there’s hope for you yet. You’ll be BFFs with these burly men if you get the Cruzin Cooler. Don’t haul a cooler by the handle; that is so passe. Ride this franken-creation into their inner sanctum at the next tailgate party, pop the lid, and pass a few cold ones around. You’ll be the life of the party anywhere you go. In fact, sell your car and drive this contraption to work instead because the Cruzin Cooler allows you to drink and drive! Double win.
Some medical researchers out there say that multitasking is good for your brain. Therefore, you should take this information and put it into practice, and the washroom is an ideal place to do this. Rather than sit there and wait while you’re ‘doing your business’, why not sink another type of hole in one? Practice your golf putting skills while you’re on the potty. Tiger Woods will envy you for the skills you’ve cultivated on ‘the can’. The Potty Putter sends you a message: “You’re Welcome.”
Boyfriend Body Pillow
You enjoy cuddling. You are lonely and like torsos immensely. Amputation is sexy. If all of this sounds like you, then the solution to your problem is simple: Purchase the boyfriend body pillow. Avoid human contact and snuggle up with a headless, mostly limbless, and legless body shaped pillow. “He” wears a button- down shirt to show you that “he’s” a classy gentleman. “He” also has one arm, so when you’re needy, simply drape “his” lifeless limb over your waist for a pitiful form of comfort. Complete the dreamy scenario with a pint of Haagen-Dazs – all for your consuming pleasure. Don’t worry, your ‘boyfriend’ won’t fight you for a taste because eating would require him to have things such as body parts, organs, and well, a pulse.