With TIFF 2014 taking over everyone’s water-cooler conversations this past week (and likely well into next – hello, star style galleries!), we thought it ever-so apropos to look at some celebrity couples who’ve made… not magic, rather… death (yes, death sounds about right) together on both the big and li’l screens. Here are the worst celebrity vanity projects and why they totally suck more balls than the New York City Gay Men’s Chorus…

Celebrity Couple: Mariah Carey + Nick Cannon
Project: “Up Out My Face”
Why It Sucks: We’ll forgo the Nicki Minaj/Mariah Carey inferno on this one, as that’s not even half the story here. It’s ironic that lyrically this song is all about a breakup gone awry, since Mariah and Nick have sadly announced their official separation. But, as Mariah sings in the song, “no superglue can fix [the] shit” that is Nick “White People Party Music” Cannon’s terrible direction and video concept.

Celebrity Couple: Madonna + Guy Ritchie
Project: Swept Away
Why It Sucks: Critically-panned, and for good reason, Guy Ritchie’s Swept Away, which starred his then-wife Madonna, is like cinematic IBS – way too much cheese for one sitting.

Celebrity Couple: Kanye West + Kim Kardashian
Project: “Bound 2”
Why It Sucks: We like to think of Kim and Kanye as this genera… wait, scratch that… we never actually “like” to think of Kim and Kanye. Nevertheless, they were “Bound 2” (har, har) work together at some point. The result is as akin to finding out your new significant other gave you herpes… on your wedding day.

Celebrity Couple: Ben Affleck + Jennifer Lopez
Project: Gigli
Why It Sucks: The IMDB synopsis is reason enough to warrant this flick’s inclusion: “The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a mentally challenged man came to be best friends through a hostage.” Nuff said.

Celebrity Couple: Tom Cruise + Nicole Kidman
Project: Eyes Wide Shut
Why It Sucks: Little did we know that the title of this film, directed by the late Stanley Kubrick, was actually an instruction on how to view the 159 minutes of cinematic suicide that is Eyes Wide Shut without succumbing to acid reflux.

Celebrity Couple: Robert Pattinson + Kristen Stewart
Project: The Twilight Saga
Why It Sucks: They had about as much chemistry as a wet fart on-screen and off. Need we say more?

Celebrity Couple: Ice-T + Coco Austin
Project: Ice Loves Coco
Why It Sucks: If you need an explanation for this one, we don’t want your readership anymore. Please clear your browser cache and never return. Thanks. #SorryNotSorry!