Here in Canada, one issue is front and centre in our national discourse: the looming threat of zombie apocalypse. It’s even mentioned in our national anthem during the poetic final stanza: ‘O Canada, we stand on guard against zombies for thee’. When hordes of ravenous undead arrive at your door hungering insatiably for flesh, will you know what to do? Here are some uniquely Canadian ways of dealing with the zombie apocalypse…
Maple Syrup Moat
The idea behind the maple syrup moat is simple: Dig a trench about 5-feet wide by 8-feet deep around your house, fill it with maple syrup, and coax the zombies toward you. They will inevitably get stuck in the sweet, delicious morass, leaving you high and dry. Pro-Tip: assuming a 20-foot radius for the moat, and today’s prices of $32 a gallon for maple syrup, it would cost approximately $1,052,299.50 to pull this off, so start saving now. (Five internet points for anyone who checks my math in the comments.)
Get the Zombies Hammered
Oh, chestnuts! Too many zombies are stuck in your salvation-moat and they’ve formed a cadaverous bridge for the rest of the horde to cross! Worry not, my friend. Greet them at the door with some cases of high-quality Canadian beer, or as our American friends call it, “Beer that is way better than our beer.” Us Canucks love to toss back a cold one, and why should our undead counterparts be any different? After a few Mooseheads, those reanimated corpses will either be passed out on your lawn or arm-in-arm singing Tragically Hip tunes at the top of their putrefying lungs. I can hear it now: “Baby eat those humans slow, they’re full of poppin’ little bones.”
Cure the Epidemic with Universal Healthcare
Holy Don Cherry on steroids, it didn’t work! The zombies all have splitting hangovers and have broken into the house looking for Tylenol (and braaains). Cooler heads will prevail here – calmly set up some chairs and tell the zombies that the doctor will be with them shortly to sort out the whole ‘insatiable hunger for human flesh’ thing. Get them some six-month-old magazines to pass the time while you triage the most serious cases (ie. all of them) and administer the vaccine. Don’t worry about the zombies’ ability to pay – the undead don’t carry wallets – you can just bill the government afterwards.
A Hockey Skate on a Hockey Stick
Ok, so the vaccine only works on mice, it’s time for desperate measures. Up here in the north we shun violence, but if you push us far enough we will drop the gloves. Threatening the entire human race with extinction? It’s on. Look around your house for three items that every Canadian should have. Hockey skates, hockey sticks, and duct tape. Put the skate on the blade of the stick and duct-tape that sucker down like your life depends on it. You now have a very effective zombie-decapitation spear (patent pending).
Wait for Winter
Well, you put up a good fight, but there’s just too many of them, and those new carbon-fibre sticks break really easily. You’re holed up in an upstairs bedroom with a bunch of parkas and a year’s supply of feves-au-lard. Buddy, all you gotta do is barricade the door and wait for winter. At 25 degrees below zero, the walking dead will be nothing more than zombie-popsicles. Problem solved, eh?