Some people read palms; I like to think I’m an expert at reading bikini lines. You can tell a lot about a girl by how she chooses to style her pubic region. Also, it’s totally an untapped market for anyone in the media looking to launch a new magazine that doesn’t exist yet. There are so many magazines dedicated to the hottest hairstyles of the moment, but when will it ever be pubic hair’s time to shine? How about in the inaugural issue of Rubik’s Pubes Magazine? I know I’m onto something. In the meantime, here are 4 of the hottest bikini wax styles and what they say about you.
The Classic
The first time any girl gets a bikini wax, it’s usually the classic, which leaves your pubic region looking like a perfectly sculpted ice-cream cone. There’s a bad licking joke to be made here, but I’m not gonna do it. Nothing says “I’m a lady” quite like a classic wax. It shows you’re just a tad old-fashioned, but that you still like to rock French cut underwear and pose for the odd Craigslist “nude model wanted” ad when you need $40, like, fast.
Full Brazilian Wax
I hate when girls say stuff like, “I don’t want to look 12!” No one’s telling you to resurrect your NKOTB concert shirt and rock Cotton Ginny leggings, but even if you did, it would probably be totally badass because 12-year-olds are far more adventurous with style than we give them credit for. I’m all about a full Brazilian. It shows that you value the important things in life like impeccable personal hygiene and rocking head-to-toe Medieval mesh armour without the worry of getting it painfully caught in hair. Besides, a Brazilian is like the Nexus card of strip searchers: it just makes it a hell of a lot faster for everyone involved.
The Landing Strip
To me, this is the tramp stamp of bikini waxes. It could be that I’m OCD, but the idea of leaving a tiny vertical strip that’s trimmed like the bushes around Tim Burton’s house would drive me absolutely nuts. There’s no need to wear a badge that proves you’ve hit puberty. Aren’t the tears you cried into your fourth glass of red wine when Mr. Big’s To Be With You played at the bar enough to show everyone you’ve been gettin’ around since the mid-90s?
The Heart Shape
If I wanted a waxer to put a stencil over my pubic hair and brand me with a hairy heart, I’d have a lot to talk to my therapist about on my next visit – and I have better things to talk about, like why I think my doorman hates me. Sure, the concept sounds super cute, until you actually think about it and realize that it’s pubic hair. A hairy black heart? Really? It’s like when someone makes you a birthday cake in the shape of a hamburger and you’re like, “I like cake, and I like hamburgers, but I don’t think they complement one another in a forced merger. I don’t feel so hungry anymore.” Why not wear a super sexy gold heart necklace and opt for a more appropriate pubic hair shape like a triangle or a gang sign?
