As Canadians, we know we get the short end of the stick compared to our neighbours to the south. Sure, we have universal healthcare, an open dialogue pretty much across the board when it comes to all things human equality, and bragging rights over the birth of Saturday Night Live (thanks Lorne!). But while living in the Great White North has its societal benefits, some days we’d like to trade all this “freedom” for the one thing that imbues us with an absurd level of envy towards our American counterparts: all the flavours of the Ben & Jerry’s rainbow.
In Canada, we’re stuck buying pint after pint of the same 10 flavours. Sure, there are some small convenience stores that smuggle in extra varieties of the good stuff, but they’re few and far between. Stateside there are about 40 tubs that taunt us with their unavailability – and that’s not even including Ben & Jerry’s Greek Yogurt or FroYo lines! Our currency may have almost caught up to on-par status, but our Ben & Jerry’s flavour folio hasn’t. It’s maddening!
So, consider this an open letter to the good folks down at the B&J factory: We want more, we want it now, and we’ll hold all your favourite Canadian celebs (yup, the four of them!) hostage until you deliver. Our demands aren’t unreasonable, and, to show we’re willing to compromise, we’ll take any of the following seven flavours as a sign of good faith that open Ben & Jerry’s trade isn’t merely a hope, it’s a future reality…
The Flavour: Cake Batter
What It Is: Yellow Cake Batter Ice Cream with a Chocolate Frosting Swirl
Why We Want It: We’re tired of chocolate chip cookie dough, but still need our raw batter fix. Cake batter-flavoured ice cream sounds like a fat kid’s wet dream, and when it comes to a good B&J, we’re all fat kids.
The Flavour: Boston Cream Pie
What It Is: Boston Cream Pie Ice Cream with Yellow Cake Pieces, Fudge Flakes and Swirls of Pastry Cream
Why We Want It: Have you ever heard of Tim Hortons? Well the only donut there worth its weight in butter is the Boston Cream. How dare you deny us something that’s essentially part of our own national heritage… even if we didn’t partake in your tea parties?
The Flavour: S’mores
What It Is: Chocolate Ice Cream with Fudge Chunks, Toasted Marshmallow and Graham Cracker Swirls
Why We Want It: Another slap in the face from our good friends at Ben & Jerry’s. If we didn’t invent the s’more, then it’s safe to say us Canucks at least popularized it. Camping with bonfires isn’t just a pastime for us, it’s a rite of passage.
The Flavour: What a Cluster
What It Is: Peanut Butter Ice Cream with Caramel Cluster Pieces, Marshmallow Swirls and Peanut Buttery Swirls
Why We Want It: See above. Need we say more?
The Flavour: Coffee, Coffee, BuzzBuzzBuzz!
What It Is: Coffee Ice Cream with Espresso Bean Fudge Chunks
Why We Want It: Why should these small coffee shop purveyors get all the glory these days? We’re tired of ordering our espressos with a side of pretension. We want a tub of coffee with a side of self-loathing.
The Flavour: Peach Cobbler
What It Is: Peach Ice Cream with Cinnamon-Sugar Shortbread Pieces and a Peach Swirl
Why We Want It: We’re proud of our locally-grown, super sweet Ontario peaches, sure. But we’re far too lazy to craft our own frozen bounty from the fruits found in our own backyard.
The Flavour: Pistachio Pistachio
What It Is: Pistachio Ice Cream with Lightly Roasted Pistachios
Why We Want It: Pistachios are the underdog of the nut world, oft relegated to “dusting” duties or crumbled on other contraband. Us underdogs need to band together… preferably with
arms mouths wide open and spoons in tow.
What’s the one Ben & Jerry’s flavour you wish you could try but can’t? Comment below or tweet us @ViewTheVibe.