Some people think beach beauty should be as simple and as understated as the products you’d wear camping. I wouldn’t know because I’d sooner occupy Wall Street or cry myself to sleep on the floor of the Albany bus station than trust my life to the wilderness. I’d be eating squirrels and sacrificing my friends within minutes of running out of necessities like marshmallows and over-the-counter sleeping pills. A day at the beach is the closest I ever want to come to discovering if I could actually win Survivor.
These waterproof products help me look Liz Taylor circa Suddenly, Last Summer beach fabulous, no matter how many times I dunk myself underneath the terrifying waves of Lake Ontario. There’s no guaranteeing you won’t grow a third eye or sprout a tail from exposure to chemical waste-filled water, but at least you’ll have the right waterproof mascara to doll that third eye up for when the X: Men casting agents start calling.
Wet Skin Sunscreen Spray Broad Spectrum SPF 30
Okay, so I don’t have to tell you that you should apply your first coat of sunscreen all over your body at home about 30 minutes before you go in the sun, right? Good, because I forget to do that all the time too, so fortunately there’s this amazing and affordable waterproof sunscreen by Neutrogena that you can actually apply on skin that’s semi-wet from sweat and it won’t streak on your skin. As much as its embarrassing to admit that I have this inner 1980s Mary Kay lady who thinks she wants to absorb at least 30 minutes of the sun’s hot, hot rays before I even apply sunscreen, retro vanity sometimes gets the better of me, and I find myself in this predicament. I always bring a can of this stuff to the beach, and spray it all over when I finally start remembering that the sun is dangerous and that the pending Apocalypse is, like, totally happening, even if the Mayans were a bit off. I like a spray better than a lotion for the beach because you don’t end up with gobs of white lotion on your face looking like an in-treatment 60s syphilis sufferer. A slight tan might be retro fabulous, but syphilis never will be.
Make Up For Ever AQUA ROUGE Waterproof Liquid Lip Color
The Canadian synchro team actually uses this stuff when they get dolled up for their versions of red carpet events, like the Summer Olympics or what I can only assume are hot parties at Guy Laliberte’s Vegas digs. I actually saw them perform once wearing everything from the Make Up For Ever AQUA collection while rocking out underwater to Queen songs, and this stuff did not come off. I know it seems strange to wear a bright red lipstick to the beach, but if you value things like Facebook photos as much as I do, then know that giving a little extra unexpected effort to your look will go a long way in making your 798 friends super envious of your casual day-at-the-beach look.
Dior Diorshow Iconic Extreme Waterproof Mascara
Sure, almost every mascara brand has a waterproof version, but this is the mascara that makeup artists use when they’re getting models dolled up for underwater fashion shoots. It conditions your lashes while you apply it, so it lets you do multiple layers without clumping because the last thing you need today at the beach is “dread lash,” which is a term I just coined, but you can totally visualize what I mean. Even sex bombs like Sofia Vergara and Mila Kunis look like washed-out off-duty drag queens without their mascara on, so this is an important step. Most women would say that mascara is the one beauty product they’d choose to wear if they could only pick one to bring to, say, their first adventures as a band roadie or low-security prison. I miss you, Martha! What a time, gurl!
Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eye Liner
I recently confessed my love for this eye liner in my story Makeup That Lasts All Night (Until Brunch The Next Morning), and that’s because it doesn’t move off your face. I would even recommend using this to test out your plans for a face tattoo before you make that serious commitment. Everything in life deserves a dress rehearsal, especially face tattoos.
Make Up For Ever AQUA Cream Eye Shadow in Emerald Green
I normally like to diversify my articles with products from different brands, but in the case for the best waterproof makeup for the beach, Make Up For Ever’s AQUA collection was designed with synchro stars in mind, so trust. This stuff is awesome. Wearing a bit of eye shadow at the beach might seem slightly eccentric, but so is re-enacting Madonna scenes from Swept Away, and you’re going to do that too, right? I’m all about this emerald shade because it makes me feel like a goddamn mermaid. If it came in larger tubs, I’d paint my legs with it and actually pretend to be 80s Daryl Hannah circa Splash next time I go to the beach and sign all my autographs for young girls with “I wanna be where the people are. – xoxo Ariel.” A girl can dream, right? And isn’t that what beauty products are for?