Only totally boring people need Halloween as an excuse to be someone else for the night. I’m kicking off Halloween 2013 a little early with a DIY Halloween beauty series to help you decide what to be this year while I test out looks prematurely around town.
Nothing makes me angrier at Halloween than seeing the annual slew of girls decked out in sexy devil costumes. Throwing red horns on with a dress you’re clearly too prudish to wear the other 364 days of the year would be a fine costume if you were hoping to be something innovative like, say, the personification of sexual shame or a call girl for Evangelical fetishists… but not the spawn of Satan himself. If you want to dress slutty for Halloween, you need to own it by going as something both timely and intentionally provocative. Enter what is already topping Halloween 2013 costume lists as one of most popular character choices of the year: Miley Cyrus. Not only does dressing as Miley show people that you’ve caught up on pop culture since 33 AD, it’s also an excuse to take a series of alarming selfies that scream “This is the child star version of Rumspringa.”
To get my Miley Cyrus Halloween costume at home, I gave myself a faux undercut by doing two French braids on either side of my head that I connected at the back and tucked up like the bottom half of a Lady Sybil-worthy updo. For Miley’s faux spikes, I pulled the loose top half of my hair into a bouffant that I held in place with bobby pins and a decent amount of hairspray. I topped off the look with a grill I made out of aluminum foil in the kitchen, a red lipstick and the most Miley-esque clothes I could find in my closet inspired by the “We Can’t Stop” video. Who doesn’t own a white cropped corset and paper-thin sweat pants, anyway?
If you need to buy new clothes in order to be Miley, you’re clearly not shameless enough to pull this look off in the first place. Everyone at the Halloween party is going to be expecting you to dry-hump pretty much anything that looks like solid matter, so if you’re not ready to twerk to the beat of your ashamed father’s heart, this look is not for you. Don’t worry, you can always be Miley Cyrus next year when she follows the “How to Be A Believable Pop Star” handbook all the way to India for the soul-searching phase. Expect shaggy long hair, lots of henna, and songs that capture all varying degrees of gratitude.