As an avid food lover, I adore popping into Indigo and picking up stunning, visually-driven cookbooks to test out recipes fit for any gourmand – Alinea, Mastering the Art of French Cooking (a classic), Bouchon, etc. And to be honest, half the time I’m drawn in by the food porn alone… cookbooks make great coffee table decor, too. But I have never sought out a consortium of recipes where testicles are the shining star, or where the ingredients used would please a fickle feline (cats are akin to Nazis in my outspoken opinion). No, no. There’s a definite line drawn when the end result of ingredient lists and directions are to pass through my supple lips. And these five cookbooks most certainly fall on the sketchy side of the tracks…
Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes
Let this title be evidence to all the Christian fundamentalists out there: no matter how gay you are, a panna cotta that requires a cup of “homemade whipping cream” is far from appetizing. Yes, for the protein deprived among us there is Natural Harvest, which goes against all feminist theories stating you don’t need a man to make it happen. (Sorry Pussycat Dolls!) I’m sure the R&D was a blast for the harvestee… chafing and all. But no matter how cock-proud I am at the end of the day, a li’l hand cream and some filthy flicks is enough self-love to satisfy my varied appetites.
The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking with Balls
In keeping with the nether-region cooking trend (why is it so?!), there’s the ever-popular (not) The Testicle Cookbook. This e-book is all about balls, naturally, and even though I’m only writing about it it’s safe to say I think my testes saw their shadow and are in hiding a few more weeks a la Punxsutawney Phil. But for those of you curious about testicular texture, you might as well throw your balls to the wall and go wild with this one.
The Cat Lover’s Cookbook
There’s nothing sadder to me than a dried-up ol’ cat lady. Wait. Correction: There’s nothing sadder to me than a dried-up ol’ cat lady who cooks recipes specifically because the ingredients are beloved by her feline. Do the world a favour: If you see an old coot counting out change at a used book store with this title in-hand – and cat in tow, of course – put them both out of their misery. I hear ‘Euthanasia’ is a beautiful destination this time of year…
Fifty Shades of Chicken
I think the last time I roasted a succulent, juicy, lemon-and-herb-tinged chicken it topped out at about… oh, I dunno… two hues: white meat and dark meat. So it’s safe to assume this tome isn’t about tie-dying the ubiquitous bird, right? Right. Yeah, it’s a parody cookbook alluding a set of stories that themselves are a parody of a rough Tuesday night in any gay man’s life (basically). Suffice it say, neither this book (nor its inspiration) are palatable to this pundit.
Stud Muffins: Luscious, Delectable, Yummy
I don’t know who should be more ashamed: the “writers” behind this cupcake/muffin cookbook, or the models who were likely paid in unsatisfactory sweets to pose semi-nude for the cause. I’ll consider it a toss-up.
Honourable mention goes to…
Cookin’ with Coolio: 5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price
I’m pretty sure Thomas Keller never set out to be a “kitchen pimp.” And Lidia Bastianich? You think she’d ever show you how to make “pasta like a rasta”? Poor Coolio… Neither The Olive Garden nor KFC are five-star restaurants. Totally understand your confusion though. Salty chicken skin dripping with unfiltered oil is gourmet grub when I’m stoned-out-my-rocker, too.