Do you remember that Seinfeld episode where George and Jerry wear stick-on moustaches to take a vacation from themselves? Yeah, so does everybody awesome, including Vv Magazine’s Vicki Hogarth.
Thanks to Six Feet Under, every other hipster sporting chunky glasses lists “funeral home beautician” as his or her dream job. How cliché. If I ever turn my makeup case into a serious second source of income, it would be as a makeover artist for the Witness Protection Program. Imagine all the fun to be had giving distraught civilians the feel-good makeover of their wildest imagination while also throwing off the mob with the transformative powers of beauty products. While giving pick-me-up makeovers is exciting and all, you know what’s even more fun? Spending a whole day convincing strangers that you’re the person you once fantasized about becoming, but without all the hassle of actually changing or trying.
“Manic Panic hair gel makes your mane an insane colour and washes out completely with just one shampoo. Sure, the blue and pink ones are very Kelly Osborne, but I’m all about the white gel”
Some days, you need more than a makeover; you need a break from reality. We can’t all hop on a plane for a long weekend whenever we’re feeling overwhelmed by our surroundings, but that doesn’t mean we can’t briefly escape the stresses of our lives by simply not being ourselves for an afternoon. Here are the most amazing products for faking a new identity (along with the corresponding stories and lies to tell in order to use them with conviction).
Werewolf Crazy Contact Lenses
I’m fairly new to Toronto, so it’s been challenging to figure out where my scene’s at. Where can a girl find a proper voodoo clique up in this piece, right? On the plus side, it means I can try on different lifestyles without anyone being any the wiser. My favourite thing to do is dress and do my makeup as usual but throw on a pair of these Werewolf Crazy Contact Lenses. You never want to go full werewolf. The key is to make people notice you from a distance, come over to strike up a conversation and then wait for them to say something like, “There’s something different about you. I think it’s your eyes.” That’s when you say something totally casual like, “Oh, I’m of Bavarian decent,” before compulsively licking your own arm and pretending to smell things that aren’t there. So. Much. Fun.
“You can’t go full werewolf, but you can definitely go full Narnia“
Manic Panic DYE HARD Temporary Hair Color Styling Gel
Remember in high school when you thought temporary hair dye from the drug store washed out after one use and you ended up being full goth for half a year by accident? The depressingly bad poetry practically wrote itself! The next time you want to try on an extreme hair colour for fun, this line of gels by NYC-based Manic Panic make your hair an insane colour and wash out completely with just one shampoo. Sure, the blue and pink ones are very Kelly Osborne, but I’m all about the white gel. You can’t go full werewolf, but you can definitely go full Narnia. I like to wear a women’s tuxedo with my white gel and tell strangers that Karl Lagerfeld is in town, and I’m just one of his many body doubles. If you can score yourself a white Persian cat for the evening and refer to her as “Faux Pet,” aka Choupette’s body double, you will rock this look so hard that Uncle Karl might even hire you to be his muse or pool boy.
Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eye Liner
Dior came out with these amazing temporary tattoos once upon a time during the holidays, but since they’re currently unavailable, I’d rather just use a high-quality liquid liner to concoct a temporary tattoo of my own design. I’m all about this one by Stila because it has all the precision of a Sharpie without the inevitable regret that you wrote “Dumpster” across your forehead with an arrow to your mouth. When I’m faux tattooing myself, I like to wear my hair in a dramatic updo, add a black teardrop under my left eye and write “Alderson” across the back of my neck. Then when people are like, “What’s Alderson supposed to mean?” I tell them it’s just an “insider” thang, and that my friend Martha has a matching one. Then they Google “Alderson” and are like, “WTF? Who is this stock market maven?!” Genius!
“Stila Waterproof Eyeliner because it has all the precision of a Sharpie without the inevitable regret that you wrote ‘Dumpster’ across your forehead”
Gorywood Temporary Tattoos
The problem with most temporary tattoos is that they look fake, and no legitimate biker gang is ever going to take you seriously if they see that your skull and bones tat is peeling off like a layer of dead skin shriveling up in fear. That’s why I’m all about these fake wound tattoos. If they crack a bit, it just looks like the blood is drying and that your gang branding sesh was at least a few hours ago. If you’re intrigued but terrified of biker bars, I recommend popping on a few of these bad boys for insta-street cred before you go inside — simple as that! Also, don’t make a lot of eye contact. Trust.
Now that you’ve mastered you’re completely new look, capture the moment on Instagram… and then every moment after that. Vv Magazine’s Vicki Hogarth’s shows you all the pro #selfie tips in “How To Take A Selfie Without Looking Like A Douche).“