If I was a total sociopath, I would start a business decking out guys’ apartments before they went on dates. I’d put a pad of paper by the phone that had notes like “Mail Mom’s card” and “SPCA volunteers dinner this Thursday – don’t forget!” I would then create a total menagerie of depth on the coffee table with a copy of David Sedaris’ new masterpiece Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls alongside A Moveable Feast and The Age of Innocence, and I’d top it off with a copy of The Diving Bell and the Butterfly resting on the DVD player. Then I’d go straight for the kill by putting two dirty coffee cups in the sink, so your date would instinctively wonder who exactly was there with you this morning sharing what was obviously witty repartee with such a multi-layered man… but I’m not that evil!
I draw the line at helping you manipulate the girl of your dreams with merely the products on display in your bathroom. Look, she’s going to snoop, so you may as well be armed with the right moisturizer…
Dove Sensitive Skin Beauty Bar
You might be thinking, A Dove Bar? What are you going to suggest I impress her with next, Colgate? Well, that depends. I’d rather see a fresh tube of Colgate on your bathroom counter than a tube of Tom’s that you’ve cut in half and are currently scraping the last drops out of with your toothbrush.
The thing about Dove Sensitive Skin is that even we girls who pretend to use super luxurious face washes often actually cleanse our face with this at least a few times a week. In fact, I know a few beauty editors who actually swear by a Dove Bar and lukewarm water even though they get luxury brands for free. That’s why we are always psyched to see this in a guy’s shower because it means we can wash our makeup off from the night before, and we always check what’s in your shower before we decide if we’re actually going to see what your bedroom is like. I honestly once went to use a guy’s bathroom and never came back after I peered inside his shower and saw a soap dispenser he had clearly ripped off the wall of a Goodlife gym. The industrial-sized roll of toilet paper should have given it away, but I’m sometimes blinded by charm and good looks.
Comme des Garcons Amazingreen Eau De Parfum Spray
If you thought I was being generous with the Dove soap, I’m about to take all the money you saved away from you by suggesting you invest in a designer fragrance that costs upwards of $100. Truth be told, it doesn’t really matter which designer brand you choose, as long as you like the smell and we get the sense from the beautiful bottle that the important things, like having a signature scent, matter to you.
If you can buy your current scent in the “drugstore” section of a 7/11, chances are we won’t be thrilled. Besides, the idea is to pick a scent that will set you apart from the pack. You want us to immediately have flashbacks to your sexiness when we walk past a hot Parisian wearing your scent on Rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré, not when we get an overpowering whiff of Axe next time we’re at a Hot Wings franchise for Hockey Night in Canada. This fragrance by Comme des Garcons smells like all the green things women love: jungle leaves, green peppers, palm trees and lots and lots of American money.
Kiehl’s Ultimate Brushless Shave Cream – White Eagle
In my dreams, men use their lunch breaks to get hot towel shaves at the barber shop and stop by the cobbler to get their shoes shined… but then these dreams usually morph into weird nightmares where I’m at home with my five kids popping Valium so I don’t cry into the meatloaf that I’m burning – so I wake up happy that it’s 2013 and Kiehl’s exists.
A good shaving cream lets us know that you care about your skin in a masculine kind of way. We ladies also know that cheap brands tend not to give you the closest shave, and if we wanted to have our faces cut, we’d join the Hell’s Angels or date Chris Brown.
Anthony Logistics for Men Oil Free Facial Lotion SPF 15
There are certain products that aren’t necessarily impressive; we’re just happy to know they’re there so that we don’t have to turn our purses into flight attendant carry-ons every time we stay over. A good moisturizer is one of them. Sure, even if you secretly apply a heavy-duty night-time moisturizer and a bi-weekly intense moisture mask, a decent every day moisturizer with SPF casually displayed on your bathroom countertop makes you seem just the right amount of vain to us. We don’t need to know about the rest.
Aveda Rosemary Mint Shampoo
Yes, Aveda makes a men’s line of hair care products, but my main reason for selecting a unisex one for you is probably not what you think. Women will hate me for saying this, and approximately 73% of the females reading this article will accuse me of being anti-feminist, but I’m going to say it anyway: A high-end unisex shampoo doesn’t impress us simply because we’ll be thrilled to use it ourselves, it actually fuels our instinct to feel extreme and irrational jealousy, and isn’t that what love at first sight is really based on?
First, we’ll be wondering, Oh my God, is he actually secretly married to a perfect woman who uses this amazing shampoo? And then – hopefully – that instinct will lead us to calmly accept the fact that you have probably had some pretty awesome girlfriends in the past who introduced you to a few nice products along the way. And why wouldn’t you have awesome ex-girlfriends? You smell like a goddamn palm tree and your freshly shaved, moisturized skin is so soft and yet so perfectly masculine.
You’re welcome, gents!