Halloween in Toronto is always devilishly debaucherous. Being the “events economy” we are, there’s nary a shortage of petrifying parties, scary shindigs, haunted hullabaloos, spooky soirees, frightening fetes, and any other synonyms found on Thesaurus.com. To help you navigate the sea of despair that is the night of dread, here’s this year’s guide to Halloween in Toronto… now with more five times more cliches!
Friday, October 26th, 2012
Monster Mash at The Guvernment
The self-proclaimed “Biggest Halloween Party in Toronto,” the Guv’s complex will play host to 40 or so DJs on Friday the 26th… which could, in theory (if you choose to follow me on this one), be considered an extra frightful night, seeing as how Friday the 26th is twice that of Friday the 13th. (And I never thought I’d use math outside high school!)
The Walking Dead at Kool Haus
Across the way at Kool Haus, you’ll get to mix and mingle with the Walking Dead. These fellas are messed, so don’t get into political rapports. (Their principles are shaky to say the least.) Instead, dance, gyrate, and see if your hips have what it takes to bring the Z-boys back to life.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show with Shadow Cast
In a life imitates art move, Hot Docs is showcasing cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show in celebration of Halloween’s arrival. The clincher is this showing’s got added value: Live performers will reenact a satirical version of the story next to the film. Those with attention disorders will likely be able to garner at least half the plot thanks to wandering eyes falling on either objects of objection.
Screemers at Exhibition Place
This wonderful world of woe is back weekends through the 31st, and sees cliched (yet oh so gratifying) attractions like the Diabolical House of Cards and the Slasher Wax Museum. We’re not too keen on the food available (think pizza squared, if you catch my drift), but the inclusion of a Vampire Lounge with bloody cocktails is a lovely touch. Here’s hoping they don’t up the horror ante and force imbibers to watch Kristen Stewart doing her I-smell-something-funny face…
Pop! Goes the World! Halloween at the Annex Wreckroom
K-pop vs. J-pop, Gangam Style, and kids just skinning the 20-year mark. If any of that excites you, I suppose this is a noteworthy Halloween event.
Dark and Dirty at 3030
This burlesque Halloween party features Wolfman and Parker & Seville playing host, magic by a fellow named Baldini (which, might I add, is a name I trademarked at the early onset of my receding hairline back in 2006… I’ll see you in court Baldini!), seven bloody burlesquers, and music by two acts I’ve never heard of.
Bif Naked at The Drake Underground
So… it’s not coined as a “Toronto Halloween Party” per se, however (and though I’ve heard she’s actually a delightful songstress), Bif Naked scares the hell out of me…
Go Hard! Fright Night The Hall-o-Queen Edition
I’m assuming this is for boys who like boys and gals who like DIY projects. Two DJs, prizes for best costume and breaking your drag virginity, and, I guess it’s neat that you get a reduced cover if you print off the flyer…?
Love Me Till I’m Me Again: Cowboys vs. Aliens
Kleen Media’s setting up Brassaii as a contemporary Wild West for this dance party homage to that almost-good-but-almost-not Cowboys vs. Aliens movie. Did Spielberg direct that? I feel his name should be attached on the flyer somewhere… dude sells shit out.
Halloween Video Dance Party at The Garrison
The only thing worse than the wretched font choices on this event’s poster is the fact that one of the three billed DJs has the moniker ‘Shit la Merde’. In an effort to save pixels, I’ll end there.
Watch the Sky: Halloween Massacre
I’m confused as to whether this is a freak show, alien, or simply Halloween themed party. Case in point: Apparently if you head to this shindig you’ll be required to get your freak on, watch aliens invade Kensington, and beware the haunted maze.
Cinema Presents Chicago Lighting – King Street Empire Halloween Festival
The name is long… hopefully not to compensate for a lacking in party groove. This is one for the prohibition era fans. Three DJs, lots o’ ‘stumes, and, likely, some faux flappers.
Saturday, October 27th, 2012
Diablo Halloween Ball at 99 Sudbury
This one takes you to hell and back on Saturday the 27th. I give ’em props for having the most unnecessary animation in the background. It’s the third annual Diablo Halloween Ball… so they must be doing something right.
Halloween Club Crawl
For the gets-bored-quickly partier, join other schizo heads for a four stop, four club crawl. Rich, Tryst, Play… and Croc Rock are the choices on this tour. I suppose it works, since sometimes cougars are effing frightening.
Haunted Mansion at The Great Hall
The first of two Haunted Mansion parties on Halloween Saturday in Toronto – is it too much to ask for nomenclature creativity anymore? – this one uses The Great Hall as the backdrop for debauchery and devilish dancing.
Burroughes Haunted Mansion
The second, of course, is the annual Burroughes Haunted Mansion. This one sees someone/thing named Rouge (it’s sort of sad how uninformed I am about DJs and the music scene) being touted as the evening’s entertainment. Rouge = Red. Red = Blood. Fine… it works.
Boo Bash at Nyood
To clarify, this is boo as in, “Boo! I scared you!” Not boo as in, “Hands off him, that’s my boo.” However, if you’re lucky, you might be able to scare up a ‘furrie’ to take home with you.
Retro Halloween at Loft 782
I’m deducing from the event’s poster that “retro” in this case means relegating women to objects and lighting cigars with cash… you know, because there was so much extra chedda to be had during the depression era.
UK Underground Halloween at The Mod Club
Indie, electro, dubstep, and rock are on tap for this bad boy of a bash. I give ’em props for having a 58-second video clip hosted on Vimeo. Reminds me of another company I know…
Halloween House Party with Dougie Boom at Drake Underground
Hipsters rejoice! There’s a Halloween party for you, too. (Wait… do hipsters dress up for Halloween?) According to the events liner notes, this Dougie character is pretty fly. I’ve never heard of him… so, actually, that’s probably a very true assertion.
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air 90s Halloween
This one just seems unnecessary. (Yeah, I admit it: I hate the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.) For those who love all things terrible 90s style, this is the place to be on Halloween Saturday in Toronto.