A friend of mine recently showed me a semi-rude message he was sent on Facebook by someone he’s virtual friends with but doesn’t actually know in real life. The message stated that the “friend” was deleting him from Facebook simply because she didn’t know him and had decided to do a Facebook friend cleanse. This upset me for two reasons: First, um, I’ve dated guys for months only to have them disappear without a trace or even Facebook message, and this person somehow has the time to Facebook dump virtual acquaintances? Life is unfair! And second, what a boring way to clean up your social media, right?
At first, my mind was boggled with philosophical questions like, “Do we seriously value virtual relationships more than we do actual ones in 2014?” Then I thought, eff it. Maybe it’s time we all did a little Facebook friend cleanse. Fortunately for you, I’m much more creative and demented than that friend of my friend, so I’ve come up with a fun way to rid yourself of an excessive amount of virtual friends. Here it is, in four easy steps!
Settle on a Big Number of Friends You Want To Delete
Let’s say you have 3,564 friends on Facebook. Well, you’re about to have at least 950 less virtual acquaintances and a hell of a better newsfeed filled with embarrassing Instagram selfies of people you actually know. Here’s where the fun begins…
Send All the Friends Selected for Deletion This Message
Cut and paste this message and send it to the nominees for Facebook friend deletion that you selected: “Hi! We don’t know each other in person or anything, but I’ve been seeing glimpses of your life in my newsfeed for quite some time. I’m not really sure how we became Facebook friends, but I’m open to finding out if you’re perhaps worth being real friends with. Here’s the catch: I’m putting 1,000 friends on the chopping block, but 50 will survive! Will one of them be you? Tell me how we met or why we are destined to be virtual friends forever! Do your status updates rule? Are your photo albums uncomfortably awesome? Do you actually know me and I have just broken your heart to pieces by saying that I have no idea who you are? Make your case, and may the top 50 Facebook friends survive… or, you know, just delete me yourself, if you’re not game.”
Wait For the Messages to Pour In
The beauty of this part is that the majority of your selected “friends” will likely just delete you. Most people are actually secretly worried that they’re Facebook is boring, and trust me when I say that the kind of people who choose to remove themselves are the kind of people who write statuses like, “OMG… rain again?” Eff that. If I wanted to talk about the weather, I’d apply to be an elevator man at Holt Renfrew or date an NHL star. You’ll get a few, “Who the eff do you think you are?” kind of messages, but I’d much rather be a polarizing figure than someone who everyone is just indifferent towards. You will, however, get a few awesome pleas for your love out of this experiment from the kind of people who have a sense of adventure. Only people who believe in the power of their amazing personality will try to persuade you to hold onto them, and maybe you’ll be wowed by some of the characters you actually started talking to this way. Who would have thought that a game about deleting friends would turn into a life lesson about making actual ones, right?
Make a Facebook Event For the Survivors
When all is said and done, you will have narrowed down about 1,000 friends to a list of 20-50 people who are actually interesting but who you don’t yet know in real life. Make a party out of it. Meet them for real! Set up a Facebook event with details on where everyone can meet you in real life to celebrate their survival on your FB friends list. You might end up with a new best bud or beau out of the whole situation, and as fun as Facebook is, isn’t more fun to get fun and freaky in real life?