As a kid who grew up in the ’80s, I had nightmares about the Apocalypse almost every night. Thanks, Ronald Reagan! Now, thanks to the prevalence of apocalyptic TV shows like The Walking Dead and movies like this Friday’s premiere of This Is the End starring James Franco, Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel as themselves at the end of the world, I’ve started planning for the Apocalypse once again.
I’m not one of those fools who’s building a bomb shelter either. I have a real plan. I’ve got a few wardrobe essentials picked out and I’m ready to go at the drop of an atomic bomb. When I see the first burst of flames, I’m going straight to the closest police station where I will break into the evidence room, steal all the drugs and weapons before heading deep into the Canadian wilderness (relax, the drugs are obviously to keep me awake for the 10 days it will take me to get to northern tip of Manitoba). What, like you’ve got a better plan? My sledgehammer’s by the door already, and my backpack’s ready to be stuffed with a few key wardrobe essentials that this survivor will be rocking into the final countdown. Here they are…
A Motorcycle Jacket
Will our skin melt off in nuclear warfare, or will the sun burn out leaving us all to freeze to death in eternal darkness? It’s really hard to say. Fortunately, a motorcycle jacket is weather versatile and makes for great protection from the elements when you’re riding off into the final sunset on a stolen bike with all those weapons and drugs slung across your back, right? Also, what if we get frozen in some sort of volcanic mess like the people of Pompei did back in the day? The last thing you want is to be wearing some kind of dated hipster get-up like a PBR shirt and ironic meggings well into the year 4036. If eternal damnation as a frozen representation of 2013 is my fate, I’m at least going to look eternally cool.
I know what you’re thinking: Why would you want to draw attention to yourself in the Apocalypse with those ballistic four horsemen running around wreaking havoc and all those people thrashing madly to survive? I’ll tell you why: aliens. If anyone’s going to save us, it’s going to be our potential friends from another galaxy, and I want them to find me first. Nothing says take-me-to-your-leader quite like a silver or gold metallic body suit. Sure, it’s cliche to assume aliens like metallic, but I’m not going to risk it and assume they’re totally into pastels this season.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the Apocalypse is actually going to be a bit of a let-down. We’ll all be waiting around for some kind of epic explosion when suddenly we’ll look around and be like, “Sh*t, did we seriously run out of gas?” That’s why I have a pair of riding breeches ready to go. I’m ready to ride bare back into the barren hills as soon as we slowly destroy our planet, squeezing it dry of its natural resources until there’s nothing left. And just in case I’m wrong and the bible is totally right, the breeches will come in handy when the four horsemen are, like, “Who’s that sexy rider maiden over there?”
If the last few weeks of ridiculous downpours are any indication, the impending Apocalypse is clearly going to be some Old Testament flood that wipes out the earthly beings, giving the dolphins all the power they’ve been obviously secretly plotting to take for, like, centuries. That’s why I’ve got my Hunter boots ready to go, along with a Google map (printed, of course) to where the Mariposa is docked on Lake Ontario. Look, it’s not exactly an ark, but if I steal a couple of Labradoodles from Trinity Bellwoods and some white squirrels, I’m sure I’ll be able to start a new planet ever-so fashionably when all is said and done. Apocalypse now? Sure, I’m ready.