Last week, I showed you how to rock some serious style for the actual Armageddon in How To Dress For The Apocalypse, but with World War Z, starring Brad Pitt, hitting theatres this weekend, I couldn’t help but wonder: What happens if we survive the Apocalypse? Whatever will we wear? Head-to-toe black seems like the obvious choice, since it’s timeless and with no fashion weeks left to advise us on the latest trends for the P.A. (Post-Apocalypse is so the new Before Christ, right?), we’ll be left to our own devices to figure out what’s hot when the world’s a burnin’.
The problem with the post-Apocalyptic era is that fashion has to be both stylish and functional in an I-need-to-effing-survive kind of way. It’s all fine and dandy to raid the Chanel store on Fifth Avenue with no store clerks or alarm systems left to stop you, but what happens when a mutant polar bear attacks you and all you’ve got to defend yourself is the weird hula hoop bag Karl Lagerfeld designed for Spring 2013? That look is so A.D., right? In the P.A., we’re gonna need some jagged edges and some badass clothes to defend ourselves in style. But that doesn’t mean you can’t look totally hot at the same time. Who knows? Maybe there will be sexy zombies like Warm Bodies promises, or maybe the ocean will swallow the world and Kevin Costner will have the last laugh, like, “I told you Waterworld was prophetic!” Whatever happens, if you survive, you’re going to need to send a message via your fashion that you’re not one to be messed with. Here’s how…
Spikes are so obvious, I feel embarrassed just writing this. That said, you’re best bet is to rock them on everyday flats. As cool as spiked out stilettos look, you can’t run in that sh*t. What good is a roundhouse kick to the groin with a lethal shoe if you get your heels caught in the rubble of a fallen Time Square when you’re trying to run for shelter in the attic of the New York Public Library (because that’s where they keep the original copy of T.S. Eliot’s The Wasteland, which will obviously be the holy bible of the post-Apocalyptic world. Know these things now, homies). I recommend these spiked loafers, pictured above, by UNIF called Hellraisers for serious P.A. shoe style. The best part is, they’re so hot, you can just start wearing them now. They’ll come in handy in the time being when freaks in loose flip-flops try to step their way in front of you at outdoor concerts. Trust.
Like in any new colony, you’re going to want to establish a gang immediately. You need some other sex kittens who will totally have your back in case the Real Housewives turn out to be some form of hyper-vampires who feed off the Botox of others. It’s going to be hard to tell who’s on whose side in the P.A., so you and your crew had best get some jewels to represent your thug unit in style. Flash the “Trust No Bitch” necklace at each other to identity yourselves as members of the same sexy survivor unit. All these awesome jewels pictured above are available at my very favourite store in the world, Boutique Editorial in Montreal. If the Apocalypse does happen, I will, in fact, be raiding Editorial because they also sell those UNIF spiked shoes, too, and a girl can never have too many pairs of weapons/shoes.
A Killer Kilt
This one actually works for guys and girls, and I’m basing this on world history, my friends. Back in the time of the Roman Empire, the only group of people the Romans were actually terrified to fight were the Scots because they wore kilts with nothing underneath and sometimes fought completely naked. The Romans were all, “Um guys, if these dudes are willing to put their balls on the line for realz, perhaps we should be, like, terrified of them?” So that’s a history lesson for you, and if we’ve learned anything from the disastrous relationships of Taylor Swift, it’s that history always repeats itself. Besides, you’re gonna want to stay fresh and airy down there, anyway. Do you really want a bladder infection when you’ve got monsters to run from and fellow thugs to protect? Hollywood always imagines the P.A. as a place where people rock rubber body suits. No thank you. If there’s no dancefloor scene left, I’ll be retiring my pleather collection for good. Eff that!
Insane Amounts of Fur
Yeah, this is a coat by Mulberry. Yeah, it’s expensive… it’s also free because it’s the mothereffing Post-Apocalypse! Start thinking like it! Sure, this coat has been out on the market for a while, but there’s no such thing as being out of season in the Post-Apocalypse either. You probably thought I was going to suggest you invest in camouflage, but dude, I don’t expect nature to look all brown and green when atomic bombs have had their way with it. I do, however, expect to be terrorized by mutant beasts once the mushroom clouds clear, so I want a coat like this to blend in. Besides, if we’re truly going to survive for generations to come, we’re obviously going to have to start cross-breeding. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure those bears and their hibernation skills are going to rock the P.A., and I want to join ’em. I’ll see you in the future underground, my friends.