If I had a nickel for every time I heard, “Sorry, baby, I’ve just gotta focus on the music right now,” I’d have about a dollar. Now, a dollar’s not a lot of money, but that’s a lot of sh*tty ex-boyfriends. Most of my ex-boyfriends have a few things in common: they make embarrassingly bad music, are totally self-involved, and they have really, really amazing hair. My heart flutters just thinking about it!
The truth is though, I’ve woken up on a few occasions with an unsightly amount of pimples on one cheek only to realize that my adult acne breakout was the result of accidentally putting my face on an ex’s grease-saturated pillow. Most “musicians” get their rock star fabulous hair simply by never ever using shampoo and letting their natural filth style their shaggy locks. While it looks awesome, it feels nasty and smells like something died on their head while trying desperately to escape through the vents during their last “concert.” Note to exes: When the audience is composed solely of the friends you forced to pay the $5 cover, it’s not really a concert; it’s a sad talent show. But I’m not bitter! (Look, if you can’t use a grooming column as a public platform to say the things you wished you had said, then when will you ever get closure, amirite?) You can still get rock star worthy hair without sacrificing the little things, like basic hygiene. Here’s how…
Get a proper cut from a proper hairstylist
We girls do this all the time: We see a woman with killer hair on the street and ask her where she gets it done. Sure, it seems a little Single White Female at the time, but it’s totally worth the embarrassment when you score an appointment with a rock star stylist. Explain to said stylist that you’re looking for a cut that’s a little more “rock star” and a little less “cubicle life.” He’ll cut it accordingly and – bonus – he’ll even show you how to style it. And, yeah, this is totally humiliating, but why not tell him the name of a star whose hair you’d like to emulate? Jamie Hince of The Kills (pictured above) has amazing hair, and Kate Moss sleeps with him every night, so maybe you and your new hair can finally score a date with that sexy Loblaw’s cashier you’ve been ogling.
Wash hair every other day
Once, I lived with this musician who told me it takes six months of not shampooing before it stops smelling and you get perfect rock star shag. He was half right. It never stops smelling. That said, you can still go without a shampoo every other day, so that you can let your natural oils give your hair a bit of weight and texture. On the days you don’t wash, just wet it in the shower before you style.
Condition after shampooing
Guys who think conditioning is for girls are the same kind of guys who think dancing is for girls, and you don’t have to watch Footloose to know that a life without dancing is f*cking awful. You can even opt for a super manly one like American Crew Classic Stimulating Conditioner for Men. Conditioner softens your hair and helps with fly-aways and all that stuff that can lead to an accidental pompadour.
Invest in a killer styling product
Since you don’t have your own filth to rely on, you’re going to need a little somethin’ somethin’ for control and faux dirtiness. Shu Uemura‘s Frame Wax gives awesome control and intentional shagginess without looking like you put a styling product in your hair at all. Also, it has the kind of awesome scent that’s going to make a girl who’s used to guys’ hair smelling like a dumpster near an animal testing laboratory totally lose her mind. She’ll want you to come over and dirty her sheets while you keep her pillowcases ever so clean.
Photo courtesy of the Jamie Hince Facebook page.