You might think you’re God’s gift to women now… but, like Mr. Claus, the Almighty has a rotating sac of gifts for our feminine counterparts. Do you really want to be tossed out of queue like an aging sports star who has lost his Midas Touch just because you didn’t do a few simple steps to maintain your appearance as you age? In this new column, we’ll fill all you aging gents in on a few simple steps and products you can use so you age more like Cary Grant and less like Marlon Brando. You’re welcome in advance…

Shockingly, few gents seem to worry about the appearance of their low-hangers as the hands of time squeeze evermore tightly on ’em. Since I’m acting as your Queer Eye for the Straight Guy at the moment (someone get me a double shot of blanco, I need to erase the memory of writing that), I can tell you I’ve done my fair share of ball-centric research – both sacs young and old.

Since we’re equipped with 80-year-old vestiges of skin from a young age, ensuring your boys don’t look gothic by the time you enter middle-age should be a top priority. Maintenance is key. Your sex life (and partners) will thank me…

Ball Soup
If you’re prone to ball soup on the daily, use products like Fresh Balls to balance out that peppery moisture barrier that beguiles any femme in a 20-minute gag sesh. Overly sweaty groins lead to even more wrinkles and drooping as the years pass us by; do you really want to be awarded Ugliest Ball Sac at your 30th High School Reunion because of a bad case of hyperhydrosis? Methinks not.

Moisturize Your Manhood
Whether your nether region is an amphibious swamp or a dusty desert, proper hydration is still key. Yes, that cocoa-butter Vaseline on your night-stand will do you well for a quick moisturizing ball rub – not just rubbing one out. Try to use something with firming or elasticity-supporting properties, for obvious reasons; gravity is a cruel, cruel mistress…

Trim Your Trunk
Trim your trunks, dudes. Read that again… Trim, don’t scalp. No one wants to mount an expedition through grandpa’s groin – a Silver Forrest sounds like something out of the Chronicles of Narnia, after all. Conversely, a bald playing field is too reminiscent of those Missing Child milk cartons; not the best route before some slap and tickle. Your bush should have the carved precision of a too-tall topiary, and your balls should be smooth as a 20-year-old… scotch. Also, trimming a quarter inch off your mane basically lengthens your real “love handle” by about an eighth. That’s a return on investment you languid bankers can get excited about when the market goes flaccid.

Colour Your World
If you suffer from premature greying, you can take a dye like Just For Men and add in some natural colour to your Johnson’s moustache. Be forewarned: the key is a natural look. If your drapes are salt and pepper, your carpet need not be pitch black. We’re going for age-appropriate here, not a reclamation of your youth. Unless, of course, you find assertions about mid-life crises adorable – in which case I say go for a completely different colour and just mind-fuck with everyone in the locker room.

There you have it: the down n’ dirty of keeping your pride and joy from looking down n’ dirty. Dry your boys, keep the flyaways down, clean up your shaft, add a hint of natural sheen and shine, and caress your balls with a blade before slapping on some (preferably unscented) moisturizer. If you want your sexual companion to take proper care of all that manhood in your drawers, you better show her (or him) what great care it’s already receiving.

(Penis tree image courteously stolen from Flickr – Yonas Hassen.)