Hi View the Vibe readers! If you’re reading this, hopefully it’s because you like my View The Vibe articles like How To Dress For The Apocalypse and How To Walk Everywhere (& Get In The Best Shape Of Your Life), and not because you’re that creepy guy on LinkedIn who keeps asking me out on “job interviews” at 8pm on Friday nights. Chill, dude! It’s not gonna happen! Besides, I’m writing this specific piece right now to let you all know that I’ve joined the View The Vibe team full-time as the new Associate Editor. Take that, LinkedIn dude. This girl’s off the (job) market.
I’m very excited about my new position at View The Vibe for a number of reasons. First, I used to run the editorial side of the late and great Strut Magazine. Not since the days of Strut have I felt this free to write in my own voice, except in some of the tell-all pieces that I write once in a while for xoJane.com and Jezebel. The View The Vibe team lets me be me and trusts me to write stories that I think you’ll find interesting or at the very least amusing. They’re also letting me sign on a few amazing new writers to our roster who will bring a fresh perspective to all things Toronto and beyond, and we can’t wait to introduce you to them over the next couple of weeks. How lucky am I?! I have way less to talk to my therapist about, which has turned out to be a financial bonus.
In the past, I’ve also worked as a senior editor at enRoute Magazine and as the entertainment editor at AskMen.com. I’ve only been living in Toronto for a year now, but I’m obsessed with this amazing city and am very proud to call it home, and I’m kind of obsessed with my new View The Vibe coworkers too, but I’m trying to play it cool. In fact, in honour of having my first full week at View The Vibe under my belt, I thought I’d share with you my top 5 tips for your first week on the job. Here they are!
Send Yourself Flowers
You’re the new kid on the block. No one knows if you’re totally cool or completely deranged. They don’t need to know that you’re actually both. Send yourself a big-ass bouquet of flowers to welcome yourself to the office. Have the delivery service pop in a card that says “Congratulations!” or “Happy Anniversary!” depending on how many lies you’re willing to get caught up in. This will show everyone in the office that you’re loved by people outside of work, and thus they will give them the false impression that you are safe to become friends with. I was on a bit of a budget during my first week, so I bought a bouquet at the corner store and asked the guy in the office next door to bring them over to the View The Vibe office and say, “Is there a Vicki here? These flowers came for a Vicki, but I think they were sent to the wrong suite.” Man, I’m good!
Mask Your Neuroses
Drinking two Coke Zeros a day is a lot; drinking 10 will make you seem like a total social leper with no sense of moderation. We’ve all got our weird things that we do that could easily be labelled as “obsessive-compulsive” or “totally disgusting.” Potato, po-taw-to, right? Maybe you secretly eat your eyebrows, have to touch your right elbow three times when you hear the word “organize” or over-indulge in Coke Zero like I do. The trick is to be aware of the things you do that are excessive and/or gross and just try to keep them on the down-low when you’re working with other people. I came up with this great way to cover up all the Coke Zeros that I drink simply by slipping them into a can holder I made. Bonus points: it says “Water,” so no one will try to steal my extra Coke Zeros because, I mean, what kind of a freak drinks water? Nasty.
Make Charts… Lots and Lots of Charts
Nothing says “go getter” quite like colourful bristol board peppered with ideas. Try as the world might to make me use Excel and Cloud systems, I know deep down that a beautiful homemade chart says “I care” more than any alphabetized spreadsheet ever could. Also, it gives you a great way to meet your coworkers when they approach your desk mouthing words like, “Whaaaat thhhhe efffffffffffff?”
Cry in the Bathroom
No matter how great your new job is, you’re bound to have a bit of a breakdown during your first week as you get used to your new daytime family and work dynamics. It’s a lot to take in. Who are these people? Are they going to invite me to lunch today? Should I break out the Peanut Butter M&Ms I brought to force them to come over to my desk, or will my cheap trick be so utterly transparent? No matter how worked up you get emotionally, just know that you’ll be one of the gang in like three to four weeks, and until then you’ve just gotta keep your cool. I’m from the Melissa Manchester school of thought, in the sense that I believe in the mantra: “Don’t cry out loud / Just keep it inside / Learn how to hide your feelings.” If you really can’t hold back a quick sob, make a beeline for the bathroom and hold it together until the stall is locked you’ve got toilet paper ready to stifle your cries. No one needs to see or hear that.
Have Some Good Jokes Ready
I’m terrible at remembering jokes and prefer to rely on my ability to come up with witticisms on the fly to win over friends, but new audiences are hard! You don’t know what they find funny yet, and the last thing you want is a sexual harassment suit your first week on the job. That’s why I have a few killer jokes up my sleeve that are sure to please anyone, for example: “What’s the last thing you want to hear when you’re in bed with Willie Nelson? Answer: I’m not Willie Nelson.” Get it?! Hahaha! Wait, what do you mean you’re telling the boss?!