It would have to happen around Halloween, right? Potentially one of the scariest sagas any foodie will have to endure is the wait to find out whether or not (gasp!) the Sriracha production plant in Irwindale, California may… have… to… be… shut… down! [Pause for dramatic effect.]
Likely a Top 5 contender for most popular condiment, Sriracha sauce provides that bite of garlicky heat our overexposed tastebuds crave. But the residents of Irwindale are apparently fed up with the headaches, burning throats, and teary eyes caused by the factory’s emanating odour during production. Le sigh.
We’re awaiting the decision of the recent lawsuit against Huy Fong Foods, supposedly to be made later today, as to the fate of the factory – but we’ve already gone full paranoia and decided that we need to prepare for an impending Sriracha shortage. Naturally, we’re picking up the sauce by the case at the mo’, essentially reenacting the Y2K stockpiling of yore. But, we’ll have to protect our bounty, so here are our three tips on how to survive the Sriracha Apocalypse…
First, all-out pandemonium will cause foodies to enact their own state of Mob Rule, with Gordon Ramsay as spokesperson. (They’ll purposely over-sear Kobe beef in his presence to ensure his anger levels remain at their peak.) Because of this, you’ll do best to keep a bottle of Kraft Salad Spritzers on hand as one spray on a foodie’s palate from this lacklustre “dressing” is akin to forcing a vampire to bathe in garlic-infused water. Your stockpile of Sriracha is safe, for now…
But, of course, many foodies will become immune to the effects of subpar culinary compounds; their thirst for Sriracha will be too great to deny them the fruits of their labour. Be prepared with some epicurean misspeak to confuse the fighting food lovers. Assertions like, “North American Cadbury chocolate is so much better than British!” and questions like, “What’s a cronut and why would I want to eat a battered black bird?” will daze and disorient the normally docile foodies just long enough for you to escape with your Sriracha stash.
At some point, you’ll have to attempt to reason with your attackers, if only to make a trade that will subside their Sriracha lust. To prepare for every eventuality, ensure to pick up at least five mid-sized white truffles. These will be your bargaining agents. Convicts have cigarettes to ensure protection from being bent over a barrel, but in the food world, only an equally sought-after entity will suffice in keeping you out of harm’s way. Offering up a beautifully rare white truffle will guarantee your salvation, and a chance to fight another day.
If all else fails… run. Run for fairer shores. Migrate to another country where Sriracha is simply another bottle of red sauce and not a coveted delicious deity. (Perhaps the West Indies where you’ll be balked at for liking such a “lightly-spiced” sauce, anyhow.) Alas, once you’ve depleted your new hidden domicile of all but one bottle of the happenin’ heat, you’ll have no choice but to make a grandiose exit from this world in true Romeo and Juliet fashion. Overdose on the sweet and smoky sauce and let your overloaded tastebuds take you to the land of the Red Rooster… for a brief, shining moment in time you and Sriracha will be one.
Never was a story of more woe, than this of Sriracha and its production plant’s foes.