Normally when coming up with a new sex and/or relationship topic each week I just put on “Let’s Talk About Sex” by Salt-N-Pepa and get creative. That’s a lie! I usually just play Leonard Cohen and have a good cry in the shower first… but you don’t want to know about that. Or do you? It’s hard to sometimes gauge what people actually want to know about given that so many of us keep our deepest, darkest interests and fantasies secret. This week, I reached out to my Facebook friends for inspiration for a topic, and it turns out I know some pretty twisted individuals and some borderline sick puppies. I call them “best friends.” In honour of their perverted but nevertheless helpful minds, I’m answering the top 6 topics/questions proposed by my favourite people on Facebook this week…
What do you do about vacation hookups that turn into relationships?
Um, what country are you vacationing in? If you could potentially get an awesome citizenship out of it then, by all means, go for it. I don’t mean to stereotype (that’s not true, I totally do), but if you fall in love in – let’s say Cuba – you might want to propose moving there hypothetically to your new love interest just to see how that goes over first. If your partner is all, “Are you crazy?!” you might be a cuckold, and anybody who’s read Chaucer knows being a cuckold blows hard – but not in a good way.
Fisting: Do’s & Don’ts.
Don’t.
Is having a crush on someone who isn’t your partner (and fantasizing about him or her) okay?
It’s totally fine. In fact, it’s sometimes the stuff that makes long-term relationships workable. We all need to liven things up sometimes, even in our own heads. Just don’t propose a threesome. (See last week’s column for more information on why threesomes are overrated and problematic.)
Does anyone get crabs anymore, now that so many people are shaving their goods?
As it turns out, far less people are actually getting crabs these days. Sex and the City single-handedly made Brazilian waxing mainstream for women (and subsequently for men) in the early 21st century, not so long after New York’s J Sisters salon brought the grooming technique to North America. Crabs have been nearing extinction ever since! The lack of pubic hair, particularly among the 35 and under demographic, has become an Apocalypse Now-esque scenario for pubic lice. Maybe our generation won’t save the world, but we’re definitely doing our own disgusting part making it a better place.
Should we take that semen cookbook seriously?
No. And don’t believe anyone who tells you semen is good for your skin. (It’s not bad for your skin, but if soft skin is your motivation to take it in the face, then you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.) And don’t date anyone who uses the term “pearl necklace.” Ever.
What’s necrophilia *really* about?
The friend who proposed this topic actually answered it himself by saying, “It’s not what you think. It’s about people who feel they can’t get actual living people to desire them. It’s sadder even than just f*cking a cadaver.” I suggested that’s just what necrophiliacs tell the police to get off easy… Get it?
Now get out there and have a sexy, crab-free weekend, and, remember, there’s still no cure for herpes.