Sure, we’re all supposed to accept that everyone poops, but it’s still a social taboo to get sniffed out for dropping the kids off in the pool by any given person who happens to be the next in line for the toilet. When it comes to dating, the poo code is even more sensitive. There’s nothing quite as damaging to a person’s allure than olfactory, auditory and/or visual evidence that he or she is capable of bodily functions of the colon-purging kind. Immature? Definitely. But for those of us who don’t want to get dumped because we took a dump, keeping our sh*t together, especially in the early stages of a new romance, is critical.
It’s fairly easy to do your number twos before and after dates when you first start dating someone new, and couples all develop their own poo systems over time. It’s the newly serious relationships that have all the crap to deal with. Weekends away and lazy Sunday mornings can put anyone’s rectal control to the test. All it takes is one badly timed cigarette or taco night to make pooing whilst in the presence of your partner a necessity, but you don’t have to damage your allure in the process. Let your lover be the one who has to break the seal; you can fake it til he or she breaks it. Yes, with just a simple set of rules, you can have your cake and excrete it too. Here’s how to poo in a new relationship…
Rule 1: Adopt a sophisticated “poo shower” routine
A weekend away at a tiny cottage with no other facilities in sight and no bathroom fan? Not a problem. The “poo shower” is your new best friend. Perhaps, like me, poo showers are already a way of life for you. Even if you’re home alone and the mood strikes you to drop off some personal baggage, it’s refreshing to rinse off afterwards without wetting your hair – like you’re transforming your shower into a standing bidet. If you’re stuck in a small space like a remote cottage with your new romantic partner where the toilet’s in earshot of everything and there’s no facility in walking distance, the poo shower is less of a luxury and more of a must-do.
But not all poo showers are created equal. Here’s how to do it right…
Step 1: Excuse yourself to freshen up. Many a new love interest will try to surprise you in the shower with sexy times, so lock the door behind you if you don’t want to be caught on the thrown of shame mid-crowning, if you know what I’m saying.
Step 2: Before taking your seat, turn on the shower. The running water will muffle the sound of the bombs dropping and whatever thunderous noises accompany your digestive system’s coming out party. When you’re finished, flush the toilet before you get in the shower. This will give the toilet water time to resettle in case it needs another flush when you get out.
Step 3: Hop in the shower and use as many fragrant body washes as you can to intoxicate the air with smells associated with cleanliness. One of my absolute favourite unisex body washes for its fragrant effects is LUSH Dirty Springwater Shower Gel. It’s packed full of spearmint and will leave the bathroom smelling deliciously fresh despite your earlier deeds for a good hour after your shower. If mint isn’t your bag, opt for a powerful citrus scent, since most bathroom cleaning products are citrus-based and illusions are your friend. The Body Shop Satsuma Shower Gel is impossibly refreshing and yet bold enough to masque odours. Work up a good lather to really distribute the fragrance throughout the washroom. Stay in the shower for at least eight minutes while the airborne evidence of your crime dissipates.
Step 4: When toweling off, be sure to take your personal fragrance out of your toiletry bag (which you should always, always leave in the bathroom with a travel-sized shower gel) and spritz the air with your scent. No need to put it on your body. It’s overkill. Take your time getting ready until the air has no traces of your digestive system’s tracks.
Step 5: Check the toilet bowl for skid marks because only an amateur goes to the trouble of covering up the most damning of evidence while leaving breadcrumbs to the crime. Use a toilet scrubber to erase whatever skid marks are left because you definitely can’t flush the toilet three times without red flags. To excuse the second flush, pretend to blow your nose loudly like you’re having an allergy attack. Do this a few times and then flush the toilet as if you were wastefully flushing away the dirty tissues. Sure, it makes you seem non-environmental, but at least you didn’t flush your relationship down the drain with a one-flush approach, right?
Rule #2: Know the lay of the land wherever you are
Whether you’re spending the weekend away or just relaxing in your ‘hood, newly serious couples tend to spend entire weekends together. If you’re remotely healthy, that means a bowel movement is going to interrupt the fun at some point. As much as no one really finds it relaxing to unload his or her intestines in a busy public washroom, it’s a lot less humiliating to have explosive diarrhea in a Denny’s stall than it is in close proximity to your partner. There’s no excuse for not knowing where the nearest public washroom is in this day and age. Even the toilet paper company Charmin has a public washroom finder app for download and Google Maps will locate the nearest chain restaurant of your choice, so always plot out your poops before they’re ready to drop. Going for a walk to get your favourite iced coffee or tea is always a good excuse to get out of the house and closer to a drop-off location even if you have to feign having a favourite Starbucks coffee for the sake of your relationship. And now that McDonald’s serves decent coffee, it’s become a go-to destination for public poopers thanks to its many convenient locations and multiple-stall washrooms.
Rule #3: Avoid underwear skid marks
There’s no point in going to all the trouble of excreting discretely only to leave blemishes in your underwear as evidence of your well-hidden eruptions. If you made all the effort to commit the crime away from home turf, be sure not to leave any marks on the weapon. Toilet paper is just a starting point for this kind of task. Invest in on-the-go wet wipes in individually wrapped packages that fit neatly in your pocket. Unisex wipes like PureTouch Tush Wipes Individual Flushable Moist Wipes let you use a little moisture to get a completely clean finish. Next time you and your partner get hot and heavy, your underwear won’t give you away.
Rule #4: Improve your diet
Anyone who’s in good health and has a fairly balanced diet can exercise a decent amount of control as far as bowel movements go, or at least have a good idea of when they’re coming. You can plan accordingly this way. Eventually, if romance blossoms into a long-term relationship for you and your beau, you’re going to want to get to that moment where you can comfortably say, “I need to use the washroom now,” and you’ll have a mutual understanding of what that means. Don’t let the urgency of unpredictable bowels steal that thunder because true love really is accepting that everyone, even your sexy mate, poops.
How did you make it through the “terrible twos” with your love? Comment below or tweet us @ViewTheVibe.