Let me start off by saying that if you’re really interested in lying about your age, you should always lie up. I get a kick out of telling people I’m 40, so I can then be showered with compliments like, “Oh my gawd?! What?! You look amazing!” It’s sick and twisted, but it’s a great pick-me-up on days when I’m feeling a bit blah. I recommend only unleashing this lie on people you expect to never see again, like your new boyfriend’s parents. That said, we all want to look younger than we actually are. Here are five products that let you shave a few years off your life, at least in terms of your appearance. If you find a product that can somehow erase the things I did between the ages of 25-27, please call me.
NARS Blush/Bronzer Duo in Orgasm/Laguna
If there’s one thing that age takes away from you besides your sincere belief in your hopes and dreams, it’s the natural pink hue of your cheeks. But let’s get positive for just one second: Aging also means you’ve lost all the baby fat in your face and are perhaps gaunt and exhausted, which is of course the optimal time to show off those cheekbones. I’m obsessed with this NARS bronzer/blush duo for playing up bone structure. I honestly just sweep my brush over both and put them on at the same time. The touch of pink from the blush creates the illusion that I can still experience joy and delight, while the bronzer makes it seem like I’m not totally terrified of the sun.
Crest 3D White Professional Effects Whitestrips
Nothing says, “I’ve smoked a pack of cigarettes a day for the last 20 years,” quite like yellow teeth. A friend of mine keeps a pack of Crest Whitestrips around her apartment and throws one on before hot dates with younger guys. The only time I recommend not doing this is if said younger guy takes you to some ironic rave with fluorescent lighting. Your teeth will glow in the dark while you’re sobbing on the floor having flashbacks to raves the first time around… you know, before they became the target of modern day hipsters’ theme parties.
ColorMark Temporary Liquid Hair Color
Unfortunately, “the skunk” will never become a hair trend, unless Rihanna does it, so covering up greys is still one of the most important factors in faking a more youthful appearance. When I was growing up, my Mom used to use a brown mascara to paint her roots in between dye jobs, which I thought was ever so genius. These days, you can actually buy this temporary dye wand that lets you fake it without the flakes. I just prefer to dye my hair continuously so I never have to find out what my natural hair colour is, but to each her own, right?
Lancome Le Stylo Waterproof in Bronze Riche
Okay, this is sad but true: When you get to a certain age, black eyeliner just starts to make you look severe and evil stepmother-ish. A brown eyeliner is less intense, and this one rocks my world because it’s also waterproof, which comes in handy when my tired eyes starts tearing up for no reason, or I when look at old photo albums from my youth while listening to Memory from Cats (as performed by Barbara Streisand, obviously) on repeat: “I was beeaaauutiful then…”
‘Maestro’ Fusion Foundation Broad Spectrum SPF 15
This foundation is the best thing that happened to my face since OXY 10 Maximum Strength in high school. Not only does it have SPF, which obviously prevents against future aging, it goes on your skin like porcelain and doesn’t crust in my fine lines and wrinkles like less awesome brands. You can also layer this on days when you’re feeling a little less Sharon Stone and a little more Keith Richards. Look, we’re all going to get older, and I have no intention of doing it gracefully. I’m going to become the kind of old lady who wears a sequined dress to Red Lobster while forcing young waiters to listen to the wild tales of my more fabulous days… but I’m going to look semi-badass/completely-insane-in-a-good-way while doing it.