No matter how convinced your clouded mind is that pressing send is a good idea, after 1am, when our breath smells of tequila, our fingers are against us. Drunk texts are mini manic episodes where we feel liberated enough to divulge information to people whose telephone digits we hold hostage. Trust us, you will regret it. There are also many grades of drunk texts, each of them requiring a different form of damage control. Luckily, we at View The VIBE have racked up some tricks when it comes to drunk texting and how to survive each scenario.
The Ghost Recipient
The best-case scenario, and the only time you’ll ever enjoy being ghosted, is when they don’t answer you. The morning after damage control involves a quick text laughing off how much alcohol you consumed the night prior. Photo evidence of empty bottles is encouraged as proof of your extreme intoxication. You will likely get an understanding response and, with the addition of a couple outward cringes, can continue to go about your day normally. Yay!
That Awkward Moment When They Text Back
Other times, the person you chose to attack will engage in a dialogue by responding to your drunken text. In this case, you have two options for damage control. The first: delete the victim’s number and never speak to or of them again. The second: muster up the confidence to read the mishaps of last night’s exchange to be able form an apology that, to spare them another text in the future. Select your option based on how well you the your victim and how much you like them.
All strong, empowered females have collected a few frenemies along the way, and there’s no better time to engage in a full-force bitch-out than when you are four mojitos deep. Compelled by liquid courage and safe behind the screen of your phone, you tell this person just how much they suck. When you wake up, you probably giggle because everything you said was true, but feel overwhelmed with mortification and devise plots to help you avoid running into them for the rest of your life. Any apology you send will ooze of fakeness, so there’s really no way to solve this type of drunk text. It’s okay, you never really liked them anyways!
The Drunk t-EX-t
Now to the text we like to call the ‘drunk text to the ex.’ Assuming that your text suggests how much you miss them and did not receive a pleasant response, you will have to take a few steps to regain your dignity. We recommend not only deleting their number, but also un-following them on ALL social media platforms (yes, LinkedIn counts) — but not before posting an uber-adorable picture of you with your girlfriends having an awesome time without him or her! And for you unexplainably blessed people that had their ‘I miss you’ responded to with a reciprocal ‘I miss you too!’ text, congrats on your re-coupling! We hate you.
The Booty Call
Ah, the good ol’ booty call. Ideally, you still went to bed alone because they didn’t respond or you were distracted by a nearby Smoke’s Poutinerie. If they didn’t answer you, send them a quick text in the morning blaming the a-a-a-a-lcohol for your eagerness. If you do find yourself waking up to a naked body, may as well make the most of the experience and enjoy a round two rendezvous before you kick them out!
How do you survive your drunk texting mishaps? Let View The VIBE know in the comments below or tweet us @ViewTheVibe.