And you thought your job was bad! From animal molestation to personal ethics violation, here are the real worst jobs in the world…
Animal Masturbator, or Semen Collector
There’s a whole Reddit thread dedicated to this prestigious title. Listen… so long as it’s in the name of science and not for a new porn site by the same director as Two Girls, One [Editor’s Addition: Disgusting] Cup, we could totally back a bestie following this career path. Just watch out for the rhino with intimacy issues…
Kopi Luwak Pounder/Sorter
Speaking of animals, ever heard of Kopi Luwak coffee? If you have more money than brains than it’s likely you have. These coffee beans are harvested from Luwak dung. The process is extremely laborious – hence the nifty $100-and-up price tag of but a few scant grams of the stuff. Think your job is bad? Imagine having to pound dried, derived-from-excrement coffee beans in a giant wooden mortar and pestle for hours, followed by hand-sorting and scrutinizing every bean just to fill some rich twonk’s “Greatest Person Who Ever Lived”-emblazoned mug every morning. That’s absolutely one of the shittiest jobs on the planet… figuratively and literally.
Justin Bieber’s Publicist
You’re basically the bitch of a bitch in this role. Under no circumstances should anyone, ever, apply to handle the message crafting around Canada’s No. 1 Twonk. Never. Ever.
Japanese Train Stuffer
In Toronto we simply call these people “commuters.” But a Japanese Train Stuffer is essentially what it sounds like. These officious-looking characters are compensated to shove bodies into the last, tiny crevices of trains during the morning rush hour.
Sumo Wrestler Trainer
Sumo wrestlers wear what is referred to as a mawashi (the Japanese term for the loincloth/undergarment) during battles. This relatively small bits-and-pieces covering cloth is rarely, if ever washed – that’s because sumo wrestlers believe life experience is lost in a wash. Our hats go off to anyone stuck training, day-in and day-out, with larger-than-life, sweaty beasts of men and their “air dry only” Tarzan-esque knickers.
Telemarketer – Cemetery Plots
“Hi. May I please speak to Mr. Nuh-goy-yen [because no telemarketer can ever pronounce Nguyen properly, amirite?] about his plans for the afterlife?”
Know how they tested the effectiveness of your favourite deodorant? Slathered it up on a ton o’ pits and made an odor tester sniff each and every one of the 20 or so sweat caves on the kind of person who signs up for physical product testing. Oh… but sometimes you just get to evaluate perfumes. Guess this one’s a coin toss.
Mariah Carey’s Security Detail, or Professional Umbrella Holder
So you’re a burly man with arms as thick as tree trunks and an altruistic attitude towards the protection of celebrity. Too bad… you’re basically just a gorilla with steady hands if you land on Mariah’s security team. Hold my umbrella, dahling!
Hopefully you’ll never have to hire a moirologist. Nothing’s sadder than the loss of a loved one… other than having to hire extras (yeah, professional mourners) for your loved one’s funeral. If that’s the case, why did you love the loser in the first place?
Rob Ford’s Communications Director
Need we say more? At least you’ll never be bored… stoned, maybe… but never bored!
What do you think is the worst job in the world? Comment below or tweet us @ViewTheVibe.