Dear Mr. MacSlurpy,
I would call you Mr. McSlurpy, but I don’t want to be sued by a certain company known to have Golden Arches and some of the finest coffee in TO. Seriously Mr. MacSlurpy, it is delightful!!! Their drip is always fresh, and I’m LOVIN’ It. I digress, back to you. You likely do not remember me, your eyes were closed in much the same way as a shark in a feeding frenzy, but I certainly remember you. I was the one trapped beside you, next to the window, as you plinked your tallness next to me. You were eating a rather large serving of, what I assume, was the full meal deal at Switzerland Cottage (name of business changed slightly to protect it). As soon as I smelled your fare, I knew this wasn’t going to be good. I knew that I would get to enjoy a meal vicariously through you and boy were you enjoying it.
Here is a small bit of onomatopoeia to demonstrate some of the noises coming from my neighbour. SLURRRRPPPP went the ribs…PHHHTTTTT went the French fry (it was covered in house sauce, hence sounds were muffled) …HARRRUUUMMMPH went the chicken leg….UM went the roll…URRRP went the soft drink and CRUNCH went the coleslaw. It was a symphony of sounds, and frankly smells in such a confined area. You held on to that large food container (no judgment, by the sounds of it, you hadn’t eaten in awhile) like your life depended on it. It actually did because if any of that food found its way onto me, you would find yourself at that big Slurping Palace in the sky.
As I glanced over, I couldn’t help but notice the sheen of oil on your fingers and more than little sauce staining your digits. If only I was prepared, I would have offered you a handy wipe. If you are going to eat on the go, might I suggest you invest in them? They are a nice to have for those that eat like a cave man. I was impressed, though, with how you were able to open the sauce container with one hand and your teeth – CLASSSSYYYY!!! It was also skillful – not a drop was lost! You did end up having the container roll away from you, but only after you were finished with it. I hated sitting next to you almost as much as I hate sitting on a warm seat on the subway….and I hate that a lot. I was going to offer you some etiquette tips like placing the napkin on your lap or perhaps not touching the pole that people need to hold onto with your greasy fingers, but given your stature, I thought better of it.
Until we eat again, I remain politely yours,
The Lady with Slurpy Ear Worm
PS – The TTC is the better way when it comes to getting around the city. I am mocking the situations that I often find myself in, not the mode of transportation.