Let me start by saying that I’m from Montreal, a city plagued by political and social problems, but nevertheless one of the most stylish cities in the world. So imagine my surprise when I moved to Toronto this year only to discover that Montreal was perhaps behind the times, at least in terms of one of the most exciting accessories I’ve seen yet: a living, breathing dog! Perhaps it’s because dogs are expensive and require a certain amount of commitment that has somehow stopped them from invading Montreal’s fashion scene. Nevertheless, I can’t get over the amount of gorgeous leather leashes I’ve seen being pulled around the city by some of the craziest living creatures I didn’t even know existed. I feel like Ariel in The Little Mermaid: What’s a Russian Borzoi and why does it – what’s the word? – bark?! I’ve been busy stopping by dog parks and trying to analyze the trend, and I think I’ve started to figure out what’s behind all these risque statements in style. Here’s what your dog says about you…
You are only mentally cable of caring for a gerbil, but you still want to go to the dog park to use your pet as tool to meet hot strangers. If you can crush your dog with one accidental step backwards, you don’t need to call the vet; you need to call the exterminators.
I’m not even going to talk about how 2012 this dog is, because it’s so two seasons ago. The name itself is laughable. Even a goddamn nectarine has its own original name, and a it’s a peach and a plum hybrid.
Miniature Poodle in apricot who answers to the name Harold
You’re Tony, and you’re one of my best friends, so you’re beyond cool. Hi Harold!
Sometimes dogs reflect their owner’s personality. In the case of the English bulldog, however, the dog itself seems to represent the very qualities the owner lacks: strength, self-confidence, attitude and f*cking charisma to boot.
Beige, bland, vanilla. I was over it before it even began.
Portuguese Water Dog
You rock. Your dog rocks. The other dogs in the dog park aren’t even on the same level. Go take those webbed feet out for a swim and cuddle each other stupid in all that hypoallergenic hair. This is a dog (and an owner) I can get behind… but, like, not in that way.
You’re a drug dealer. You’re dog might be wearing the collar, but you’re the one with the beeper that’s leashed to 1995.
Do you watch Game of Thrones, perchance? Maybe True Blood? Do you happen to make a lot of life decisions based on fictional characters with supernatural capabilities whose lives you wish you had? Do you play Dungeons and Dragons? Or, wait, are you Sarah Palin? Either way, man, either way…
Are you so void of personality that you need a ridiculous dog to compensate for your lack of substance, or do you actually have holes you need burrowed in your backyard?
Who’s the bitch in this situation? I can’t decide.
Mutt, Rescued, Background Unknown
You had me at “SPCA.” You’re responsible enough to have a dog, caring enough to give an unwanted one a home, and 2013 enough to totally get that the world doesn’t need anymore planned breeding of any kind. You’re so next season and beyond. Let’s get married.