Whenever a celebrity turns up on the news because they got hammered and peed into something that was not a toilet or urinal, we’re left to wonder, “Where did these people learn to drink?” Because most people like a drink now and then, and some people like a few. That’s normal. Getting so plastered you can’t distinguish between a bathroom and a commercial kitchen, for example, is not really a thing most adults do. But celebrities are different from the rest of us. They’re richer, more important, and can afford to have that carpet steamed. In their honour, here are five moments in drunken celebrity misbehaviour…
On July 9th, the 19-year-old dancing monkey was caught on video tinkling into the mop-bucket of a commercial kitchen he was leaving through, while his mouth-breathing entourage yelled that they were the “f*ckin’ wild kids, yo!” True, he might have been stone-cold sober. He seems like enough of a jerk that he’d do that sort of thing without chemical impairment, drunk as he is on his own tawdry fame. Which his entourage encouraged while he was peeing, telling restaurant employees, “You’ll forever remember that. You’re not gonna remember him pissin’ in the restroom. Everyone does that.” Yes. For a reason.
If you’re going to be remembered for peeing somewhere you’re not supposed to, a restaurant kitchen doesn’t hold a candle to the Alamo. Particularly if while peeing on the Alamo (or rather the Alamo memorial cenotaph), you’re Ozzy Osbourne and — as some reports have said — you’re wearing your wife’s dress. The good part about this story is that Ozzy, not really a bad guy, felt by all accounts terrible for his behaviour, apologized, gave a $10,000 donation to the Alamo, and thanked the city of San Antonio a decade later for allowing him to come back to play a concert there in spite of his misdeed.
So you’re drunk and you realize you’re out of cigarettes. (Don’t worry, you’re famous! You’re going to live forever!) There’s a Walgreens nearby. You are Shia LaBeouf, and you are not to be trifled with. However, you’re too drunk to remember what you came for, so every time you buy the wrong thing and leave, you change your clothes so they won’t judge you (only God can do that) when you go back in. Finally a security guard asks you what you’re doing, so you threaten him physically. That’s how you, a celebrity, get arrested in a Walgreens.
Celebrities driving drunk and risking the lives of innocent people on highways all over the world are old news. We know the story: our lives are just worth less than theirs! But Witherspoon, while her husband was getting arrested for drunk driving in South Carolina, went the extra mile of accosting the arresting cop, and demanding he tell her if he knew who she was. She ended up in cuffs as well, saying later, “When a police officer tells you to stay in the car, you stay in the car,” which isn’t actually news to the rest of us.
Mel Gibson’s 2006 arrest, possibly the ne-plus-ultra of celebrity drunken misbehaviour, also began with drunk driving. But being Mel, he had to punch it up a notch, announcing he “owned Malibu,” and then ranting that Jews run the world. No doubt helpfully, he also referred to a female arresting officer as “sugar tits.” Later on, he issued an apology that sounded like a PR firm’s form-letter for recently arrested celebs to print out and fill their own name in at the end. Mercifully, he’s only been in four films since, and no one watched any of them.