The day dedicated to dads is but a week away. And while a subscription to Maxim and a bottle of Lubriderm may have seemed like the perfect gift back in your high school days, it’s time to cut the kiddie crap (mostly) and get him something reflective of the man/woman he raised you to be. So, here are five adult-approved Father’s Day gifts that won’t make a mockery of the king of the house, or his gift-giving li’l jesters…

For the Caffeinated Caregiver – Craft Coffee Subscription

Does pops love himself some caffee? (Said in a backwoods Ontarian accent.) A Craft Coffee subscription is literally the gift that keeps on giving. Every month – so long as you keep on paying – good ol’ dad will get a sampling of three different grinds from three artisanal, fair trade, ethical roasters. He’ll think of you every morning, whether he wants to or not.

For Bond, Dad Bond – The Perfect Martini Kit

Is your father convinced he should replace sexy Daniel as the next Bond? He’s got a lot of training to do, including that of the liver. Bond loves his ‘tinis – shaken, not stirred – so Dad’s gotta get to sipping. Prep him the perfect gift set worthy of any double-o, starting with the limited edition Luksusowa Vodka and glassware duo, available in limited quantities at the LCBO. Pair it with a bottle of vermouth, an atomizer (for the vermouth, natch), a penguin cocktail shaker (because why the eff not?), and a heavy dose of reality. Because, dearest Dad, y’ain’t no freakin’ Bond. But you can totes drink like one!

For the Bishop of the Barbecue – Norpro Barbecue Branding Iron

It’s an unwritten rule that all men love to grill. For reals, stick a man, any man, in front of a barbecue and you’ll see his eyes light up like a fat kid at a buffet. Men also love to play with their meat (minds out of the gutter please, people), so give him a li’l happy happy, joy joy with the Norpro Barbecue Branding Iron. Typographic treachery awaits his prime cuts as daddy dearest fills the iron with any number of his favourite words. We’re guessing ‘fart’, ‘beer’, ‘beefy boy’, and ‘thanks for getting me such an amazing gift’ will be the first wave of meaty markings.

For the Sire of Sports – Garmin Watches

We’ve been informed that many a man enjoys sports. Kind of a shock, but we’ll run with it. Garmin Watches offer wearable intelligence for a multitude of sports. Is Dad a golf geek? He’ll love the Approach S3‘s GPS enabled interface with programmable yardage points, a Green View showing the true shape of the green, and digital scorecard so he can analyze his putting perfection. Does he chase the colours of the wind a la Pocahontas? Then the Forerunner 610 with distance, pace, GPS position, heart rate and calories-burned capabilities will tickle his frolicking fancies. Garmin has nearly as many watches as the app store has apps, so even the pickiest of Pops will be school-girl giddy on Father’s Day.

For Papa Know-It-All – Beezi: The Spelling Game

Is your dad a bit of a know-it-all pain in the ass? Do you rue the day you ever agreed to that match of Trivial Pursuit that ended in family counseling, strewn across couches with balls of damp tissue resting at your feet? Snatch him up Beezi: The Spelling Game and prove he’s a total dipsh*t as you win match after match of spelling bee glory. After all, his ability to reminisce of day’s gone by may bode well for him in trivia, but can he actually effing spell reminisce?