You know the drill, Toronto. April has arrived. New month, new diary—and the absurdity is in full bloom. If you thought March was rough, just wait until you see what April has in store. While you were likely busy doom-scrolling through the latest global crisis du jour, I was bracing myself for the inevitable return of Toronto’s signature brand of chaos. Fear not, though. Your regularly scheduled dose of Toronto cynicism has landed right on time. I’m back, fully caffeinated and ready to dissect the disappointments, indignities and sheer ridiculousness this city delivers like clockwork, month after month. Let’s dive in, shall we? Misery (and your Toronto-inspired rants) loves company, so don’t hesitate to slide into my DMs.
Metrolinx: The chaos train keeps rolling
Metrolinx dropped “schedule updates” on April 5, which is their cute way of saying, “We’ve found a new way to ruin your life.” You thought GO Trains were finally running on time? The joke is on you. The real update is that you’re still standing on the platform, watching your train crawl by like a 19th-century locomotive, while a garbled announcement tells you to expect “minor delays” (translation: bring a sleeping bag).
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Remember when everyone thought Trudeau was a Daddy? via GIPHY
Federal election: Choose your fighter (or don’t)
Reminder: Canada goes to the polls on April 28. You already know the drill: candidates will promise the moon, deliver a pothole and then act stunned when no one trusts them. Expect yard signs to start sprouting like weeds, debates to be the verbal equivalent of a wet sock slap and the usual Toronto attitude of “I would totally vote, but I have brunch plans.”
Brunch and booze: The only things Torontonians still believe In
Forget policy, platforms and politicians. Toronto’s real loyalties lie with hollandaise and discounted drinks.
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No Toronto rant is complete without calling out our deeply unhinged relationship with brunch. Why do we keep lining up for two hours just to eat eggs? Why is every new brunch spot exactly the same? Exposed brick, Edison bulbs, $22 avocado toast, and a waiter who pretends not to hear you when you ask for more coffee. It’s a sickness, and we need help.
And then there’s Happy Hour. The city’s archaic liquor laws mean every “special” is a slightly less outrageous price gouge. A $16 cocktail instead of $19? Incredible. The only thing worse than our happy hour scene is the people who post about it on Instagram like they just cracked the Da Vinci Code. Congrats, you found an $8 pint—your ancestors would be proud.
Sports, scandals & stadium snacks: A Toronto trifecta
Ah, nothing like a good old-fashioned Toronto sports scandal to start the season. Some poor guy got booted from the Rogers Centre for wearing a “Canada is not for sale” hat. The Jays called it a mistake, which is PR-speak for “we got dragged and had to pretend we care.” It was a perfect Toronto moment: empty patriotism, corporate overreaction, and a public institution that panics the second something unscripted happens.
— Canada is Not For Sale (@CAnotforsale) January 12, 2025
Speaking of Rogers Centre, they’ve unveiled their 2025 “food innovations,” which is just a polite way of saying, “We dare you to eat this.” On the menu: Crunchy Pickle Hot Dogs, Cotton Candy Fries and “Peanut Butter Jelly Poutine” because nothing is sacred. At this point, the concession stands feel less like a food court and more like a cruel social experiment.
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What ever happened to just plain old Stadium dogs? via GIPHY
And let’s not forget the Leafs. Another season of Toronto convincing itself that it is finally our year. Cute. We all know how this ends: overpriced tickets, brief moments of hope, and a soul-crushing elimination that feels like watching a raccoon try to cross the Gardiner. But we’ll do it all again next year because self-destruction is our brand.
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Toronto’s secret societies: You’re not invited
The latest phenomenon in the city? Invite-only events and secret societies. Not the cool kind, like underground speakeasies or Eyes Wide Shut parties. No, these are just glorified networking events for tech bros who think they’re in the Illuminati. Picture a room full of startup founders sipping $25 cocktails and bragging about their AI-generated oat milk brand. If you haven’t been invited, congratulations, you have taste.
The rise of beige hell-rooms: PR’s newest curse
We need to talk about the alarming trend of PR agencies opening “content studios” that look like a TikTok influencer’s condo threw up. These soulless beige boxes are decked out with boucle furniture, sad pampas grass and a vibe that screams, “We have no original ideas, but we do have a ring light.” It’s like walking into an AI-generated set for a podcast that no one asked for. Everything is neutral-toned, inoffensive, and so devoid of personality that it makes an airport lounge feel like Studio 54. These aren’t creative spaces, they’re where creativity goes to die. Please, someone, stop the monochromatic madness.
That’s it for now, Toronto. See you next month, assuming we survive the existential dread that is this city in spring.
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Check back monthly
Whether you’re here to vent about the latest TTC debacle or toast to those rare moments when Toronto truly shines, make sure to catch #DiaryofaMadTorontonian each month. You’ll find a lively mix of gripes, gossip, and the occasional praise, all delivered with a sly wink from someone who knows this city like the back of their hand. After all, there’s always something buzzing in Toronto—and I’ve got plenty to dish about.
Editor's note: The opinions expressed in this guest submission do not reflect those of View the VIBE, Stamina Group, or any of our internal team.
Besides, don't hate the player. Hate the game. She's just saying everything we've all been thinking...
