Alright, Toronto. April was a trip. One minute, sunshine; the next, surprise snow and the existential dread that comes with it. The good news is, new month, new diary—and the absurdity is in full bloom. We got through the federal election (finally),but the losing side is loud, the group chats are chaotic, and Twitter (sorry, X) is a war zone. While the world grapples with rising tariffs and economic uncertainty, Toronto is still Toronto-ing. Here we go again with your monthly dose of ‘can you even believe this city?’ I’m back, caffeinated and ready to unpack April’s face-palm moments. Your Toronto torment tales are welcome, and my DMs are open. Let’s get into it.
Casting couch potatoes: Reality TV—Toronto style
This month, the streets dangled the carrot of not one, but two reality TV concepts. First, a ‘Jersey Shore‘ of the GTA? Because the world is clamouring for a series that documents the clash of suburbia with Toronto nightlife. Then, the real gem: ‘Summer House Muskoka.’ Picture aggressively beige ‘young professionals’ showcasing… what exactly? Their ability to sip wine and crush Coors Lite by the dock? Expect a cast that’s a potent cocktail of aspiring fitness influencers and real estate agents whose most dramatic moments involve choosing between two shades of grey for their condo staging. We’re talking ‘Vanderpump Rules’ if everyone wore Lululemons and the biggest scandal was double-parking their boat. Toronto, honey, this ain’t Bravo.
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Secret supper—Over the top price tag
In a city where the cost of everything feels increasingly astronomical, Toronto still manages to outdo itself. Case in point: “Samie’s Burgers,” which reportedly hosted six sittings of a ‘secret’ dinner experience for a staggering $1,675 a head. In a world where affording groceries is becoming a competitive sport, the idea of dropping that kind of cash for a meal shrouded in mystery feels less exclusive and more… out of touch. This wasn’t just dinner. It was a stark, in-your-face display of the divide between those who casually throw down thousands on a meal and the rest of us, wondering if we can swing takeout this week.
The Coffee Party Debacle: Where the Buzz went Bust
Toronto’s relentless pursuit of ‘cool’ recently manifested as The Coffee Party at The Well. While some corners of the internet gushed about the ‘vibes,’ the reality on the ground seemed… less than transcendent. Reports trickled in of lukewarm, overpriced coffee and a baffling shortage of actual snacks at an event dedicated to coffee. The distinct feeling lingered that the main activity was documenting the event for social media rather than, you know, enjoying it. Paying $35 to sip a mediocre latte while encountering… let’s just say unique attempts to elevate the coffee experience landed with a thud for many. Oh Toronto, keep trying.
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Coming soon: Cake, but make it Exclusive
The buzz this month included the announcement of a Cake Party and Picnic. Yes, an event entirely focused on cake, for adults, but make it fancy. The rumoured blueprint includes a DJ (because apparently, cake needs a soundtrack), one artfully styled gluten-free olive oil sheet cake (because allergies are trendy), and, inevitably, a swarm of people filming themselves slicing even the most basic bakery cake like it’s a groundbreaking performance. We’ve seemingly reached peak ‘look at me being ironically whimsical.’ And let’s be real, the ‘cakefluencers’ are ready to pay $10 to document every crumb.
Doug Ford’s suburban dream: Still paving over Paradise
April saw Doug Ford still clinging to his dream of turning Toronto’s waterfront into some kind of suburban fever dream. Pickleball courts where peaceful green space once lived? A casino-laser-tag-aquarium situation no one asked for? At this point, it’s less urban planning and more theme park pitch gone rogue. The man’s vision is… ambitious. If Toronto had a spirit animal, it would be Doug Ford on a bulldozer, double-fisting Tim Hortons and mumbling about how everything’s better with mini-golf.
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The usual suspects: TTC and the Leafs
Ah, the familiar comfort of disappointment. Remember the aggressively cheerful “spontaneous connections” campaign the TTC ran? Bold move, trying to rebrand sardine-can trains and chronic delays as heartwarming moments of togetherness. Spoiler: the trains were still packed, the delays just as soul-crushing and the ad sparked exactly the eye-roll-fueled outrage you’d expect. Meanwhile, the Leafs won their first playoff round in six games. But seasoned fans know the drill: enjoy the moment and brace for heartbreak. Gooooo sports!
Beauty amidst the Beast
Okay, let’s be fair: April did give us one genuinely lovely thing: the cherry blossoms. The city was wrapped in pink for a few days, offering a beautiful pink break from the usual grey-and-grime palette. Then there was the annual “Spring Clean Toronto” that saw a surge in volunteers, with residents showing up to tidy parks and public spaces, a small but powerful reminder that even in a city often defined by its chaos, there are still plenty of people trying to make it better.
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Toronto, you were a lot in April. Let’s hope for less in May.
Check back monthly
Whether you’re here to vent about the latest TTC debacle or toast to those rare moments when Toronto truly shines, make sure to catch #DiaryofaMadTorontonian each month. You’ll find a lively mix of gripes, gossip, and the occasional praise, all delivered with a sly wink from someone who knows this city like the back of their hand. After all, there’s always something buzzing in Toronto—and I’ve got plenty to dish about.
Editor's note: The opinions expressed in this guest submission do not reflect those of View the VIBE, Stamina Group, or any of our internal team.
Besides, don't hate the player. Hate the game. She's just saying everything we've all been thinking...
