I’m back. Did you miss me? I’m proud to present you my third edition of the Diary of a Mad Torontonian. Your new monthly digest on the true essence of the 6ix—where streets are littered with condo cranes, the seasons are “winter” and “construction,” and the trash pandas roam freely with an eye on even the most secure green bins. Since you gobbled up my last few rants, I’m feeling the love. Should I share a bit more often? There’s a lot happening in the city and I have opinions, lots of them. Boy do I ever. Before I get started on what’s probably an obvious rant for November, I want to acknowledge that some of my devoted readers think I can go harder on my critique of this city we all love to hate. I hear you and I welcome your feedback. In fact, I want to commiserate with you. So send me your observations, complaints, woes and occasional compliments. It just may get some ink. Let us know by hitting the share buttons and tagging @viewthevibe. I’ll be watching… (from afar). Are you ready for this month’s rant? Let’s get into it.
Prime minister’s plea (WTF?)
Hold onto your overpriced lattes besties, Taylor Swift is coming. That’s right, after months of whining and a plea from our Prime Minister (WTF?) that our beloved city was not included on the much anticipated Eras Tour, Taylor Swift finally caved and added Toronto to her jam-packed schedule with six (SIX!) shows.
It’s me, hi. I know places in Canada would love to have you. So, don’t make it another cruel summer. We hope to see you soon.
— Justin Trudeau (@JustinTrudeau) July 6, 2023
And honestly, it’s going to be an exercise in collective endurance for everyone who has to live, work or breathe in this city from November 14th to 23rd. So if you thought traffic was bad during TIFF, just wait until you’re stuck behind a convoy of Swifties in all their sequined glory, accessorized with friendship bracelets, screaming the lyrics to “All Too Well,” the ten minute version.
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I don’t know how you all feel, but I’m not sure Toronto is ready for this. For the most part, we are a calm, collected metropolis with very little reason to freak out – just ask any Leaf or Raptor fan. Taylor Swift is about to bring a different energy to this city. Swifties aren’t just fans – they’re a movement. A highly organized fandom that can turn Twitter (now known as X–I guess) into a frenzy over a cardigan (literally) or break Spotify streaming records by doing nothing but hit repeat all day. Take those Swifties, multiply them by hundreds of thousands, add a sprinkle of merch and drop them into an already impossibly congested city. What could go wrong? Well…
Everything.
Traffic nightmares are about to hit harder than Taylor’s high notes
Let’s start with the traffic. The Rogers Centre already turns the downtown core into a complete nightmare on a normal sports or concert night. Imagine the hot mess that will ensue when the Swifties start queuing up at the crack of dawn, hoping to catch a glimpse of their leader in a tour bus window. Toronto has the third-worst traffic in the world, with congestion so bad that many believe it’s a crisis. And instead of thinking of a plan that could help ease the impending stress on the streets, our city officials decided that renaming one of the busiest stretches of road Taylor Swift Way was a better use of time and resources. Surely even the biggest, downtown dwelling Swiftie will agree that this is lame. It isn’t even an original idea! Arlington, Texas did it first. Sigh.
Rumor has it that Toronto’s hospitality industry is going to cash in big time with hotel rooms charging up to $2,000 a night this month. And sadly, it won’t stop at accommodations. Every bar, restaurant and cafe in the city will be slapping a “Taylor-themed” or “Swift inspired” item to the menu in honour of her visit to cash in on the international visitors that are about to descend on our city.
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And don’t even get me started on the merch. You’ll think you’ve stumbled into a pop-up mall dedicated to the Gospel of Swift, complete with overpriced hoodies, tour shirts, and a cat-ear headband. Taylor Nation is here and it’s coming for your wallet. Even nail salons have got in on the action, with one west end nail artist posting Swift-inspired nail art to match your Eras Tour fit. Because nothing says ‘Swiftie’ like convincing your clients to wear 1989 on their pinkies and Reputation on their thumbs.Instagram and TikTok are about to be UNBEARABLE. Influencers and mega Swiftie fans will be oversharing their Eras Tour experience. It’s more than your typical GRWM video – it’s crafting and DIYs, “help me pick my Eras Tour fit” vids and more. Brands will host some of your favourite fashion and beauty influencers to create moments designed to flood our Instagram feeds with enough glitter, slow-mo spins, and group photos in matching outfits to make you want to mute everyone you follow. Brace yourself for the influx of TikToks featuring Swifties recreating their own personal “Taylor eras,” complete with carefully curated outfits that scream, “I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.”
Glitterbomb aftermath
Post-Eras Tour (November 24th), Toronto will look like the aftermath of a glitter bomb. The Swifties will have packed up their feather boas and headed home, but the city will be left with a massive Taylor Swift induced hangover. The Rogers Centre will be a battlefield of lost phone chargers, discarded merch tags, and broken dreams of getting a glimpse of Swift and becoming ushered into her coveted girl gang.
Meanwhile, the rest of us will be stuck in traffic, trying to forget that our city has turned into some strange Swiftie dystopia. Two weeks when every coffee shop and store will be blasting “You Belong with Me” on repeat and you won’t cross the street without spotting at least five Swifties in matching Folklore cardigans. Look, I’m not saying Toronto isn’t capable of hosting massive events—we do it all the time. But Taylor Swift brings a different kind of chaos to the cities she performs in. If you’re not part of the Swiftie hive, it’s best to avoid the downtown core altogether for those six nights. And if you’re one of the crazy people that spent way too much on this concert, enjoy your glitter-filled pilgrimage. The rest of us will be counting down the days until we can reclaim our city from the Swiftie madness. Pleading to all radio stations (and uber drivers) to PLEASE, not make me listen to “Shake it Off” for the hundredth time while I’m stuck in traffic in my Uber, OK?
Credit, where credit is due
Meanwhile, there’s been many a fete in Toronto of late. From whisky tastings and restaurant openings to winter wonderlands and galas, ‘tis the season to get dressed up, get off the couch and be social. So it’s in this spirit that I’ll offer my first compliment. Bestee Lauder hosted a beautiful dinner at The Well for Breast Cancer Awareness.. The iconic beauty brand founded the Pink Ribbon campaign in 1992 and has raised over $131-million for global research, education and services. This cranky Torontonian can’t help but be impressed by their dedication to this wonderful cause. Kudos to organizers on a wonderful evening!
Check back monthly
Whether you’re here to vent about the latest TTC debacle or toast to those rare moments when Toronto truly shines, make sure to catch #DiaryofaMadTorontonian each month. You’ll find a lively mix of gripes, gossip, and the occasional praise, all delivered with a sly wink from someone who knows this city like the back of their hand. After all, there’s always something buzzing in Toronto—and I’ve got plenty to dish about.
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