How To Deal With Your Partner’s Parents

Once you’ve dated enough people, you soon realize that the most underrated group of eligible lovers out there is, indeed, orphans. Nothing turns me on more than the idea of meeting a sexy suitor only to find out he grew up little orphan Annie style in a house full of other kids with no parents or known siblings. Imagine: a lifetime with no in-law meddling or holiday-sharing. Rebels are so over-rated – orphans are where it’s at. That said, I’ve yet to meet one, so I’m stuck dealing with the next “best” thing: partners who’ve turned out okay, thanks to or in spite of the folks who raised them. If your lover comes complete with an unbearable family, fret not. Here’s how to deal with your partner’s parents, no matter what their flaws happen to be…

1 The Problem: They’re Passive-Aggressively Critical
Does your partner’s father seem to revel in observing how many things need fixing or replacing every time he’s over at your place? Does your would-be mother-in-law verbalize her observations regarding the dust levels of your apartment? When the two of them combine their critical powers, do you feel like they’re a Power Ranger programmed exclusively to outline exactly how you’ve failed and continue to fail in life?

How To Deal: Responding to passive-aggressive criticism with passive-aggressive remarks is useless. If anything, it will just add fuel to the fire, and you’ve apparently already got highly-flammable dust-bunnies on your hands. Decide first whether your partner’s parents are saying these things absent-mindedly and without malicious intent. If so, why not blame it on bad manners and let it go, relieved that your partner clearly learned social graces elsewhere? If you do, however think that his/her parents are trying to belittle you on a deeper level (in other words, using criticism to express their disapproval of you as a partner for their child), don’t fester about it. Just address whatever it is they’re prone to criticize head on. Perhaps you just have different and/or more modern priorities than your partner’s parents and therefore need to stand up for yourself calmly and politely but nevertheless assertively.

For example, I once had a boyfriend’s parents express concern that I didn’t cook despite my full-time job and other responsibilities. I made a point of telling them that not only did I do almost all of the cleaning, their son and I had a well thought-out division of labour around our household that involved separating duties based on skills and interests. He liked to cook, and I have the kind of OCD that leaves counters sparkling. I also let them know that I did almost all of the grocery shopping and that we split our bills right down the middle. I may not have done the cooking, but I brought home my half of the bacon in more ways than one. That shut them up and I didn’t feel pressure to change or put on a show for them the next time they came over. Keep in mind, if they’re criticizing you now it’s only going to get worse, especially if you ever have kids of your own.

2 The Problem: They Manipulate To Get Their Way
Have you experienced something like this: You were planning a happy couple’s vacation this summer, but suddenly your would-be in-laws insist you accompany them to Maine for a family reunion with the extended clan. When you kindly say you’ve got other plans, they insidiously put your partner’s nieces and nephews up to the task of begging the two of you both to come until your partner starts to give in. Not cool. If they’re this bad now, imagine what would happen if you ever planned a wedding and expected things to go your way for your special day.

How To Deal: You need your partner’s help with this because manipulative control freaks are the worst kind of in-laws since they know what they’re doing is wrong but choose to do it anyway. Your partner will likely be less aware of it because it’s just the way his/her parents have always been. To put a stop to it as quickly as possible, don’t speak to your partner about his/her parents’ actions strictly in the abstract using words like “manipulative” and “conniving.” Instead, give specific, detailed examples of all the most recent moments where manipulative strategies were implemented by his/her parents, and calmly explain why it upsets you so much. This way, your partner will not only have the chance to rectify the most recent situations at hand, he/she will be more aware of how his/her parents behave in the future.

3 The Problem: They Baby Your Partner
It’s always shocking to fall in love with someone only to meet his or her parents for the first time and realize that you’re clearly dating the most precious, incapable perma-baby ever to grace the face of the earth. I don’t like envisioning my partner as a teenager having his mom wipe his lip clean with a napkin. It seems more gross than it is hazardous, but a mama’s boy or daddy’s girl can lead to major trouble down the road, especially if you ever decide to have a family of your own. If you think your partner’s parents baby him or her now, imagine what will happen when their baby has a baby and they want to pull the same kind of infantalizing behaviour with your kids.

How To Deal: If your partner just brushes off the babying when you visit the would-be in-laws, then you should brush it off, too. Chances are, if you didn’t know he/she has been babied at home, then your partner did a good job escaping the cradle and you should be impressed. If he or she seems to get off on being treated like a helpless infant, run fast. There’s no fixing that.

4 The Problem: The Suffocating & Overbearing Parents
They call all the time and yet whenever they drop by they conveniently forget to phone ahead. You’re expected to be at Sunday night dinner religiously, and they don’t see why you can’t join them for all the major holidays given that you don’t seem as close with your own family because, in their books, “close” means never giving anyone space. Ever.

How to Deal: You need to set limits, and you’ve got to involve your partner in laying down the law. Explain to your partner why your alone time as a couple is imperative to the longevity of your relationship, and try to have him/her envision life in your shoes – the reverse. Your partner clearly feels less frazzled when the in-laws come over because their love for their own child is unconditional; you’re the one who constantly has to earn their approval. Come up with a fair plan of how your partner should talk to them about space without hurting feelings more than need be. If they still don’t get the picture, consider relocating. If they don’t respect boundaries now, imagine what they’ll do with the grandkids.

How do you cope with incessant in-laws? Tweet us @ViewtheVibe!