Nothing irks me more than hearing a fellow Canadian (who’s never traveled our great nation) complain about how he or she doesn’t identify with other Canadians – that to be from Quebec is so entirely different than being from British Columbia (trust me, it’s not that different; I grew up in both), or that Toronto is so incredibly distinct from Montreal. (These two cities are just kinda like brothers who don’t always get along but definitely have the same parents. If anyone’s adopted, it’s poor St. John’s, right?). They’re usually making these ridiculous claims casually while filling out their employment insurance forms, waiting in free drop-in clinics to inquire about their latest “itch,” or taking offense to an American movie with too much violence. There’s so much that makes all of us Canadian, whether we’re from Edmundston or Edmonton. In an effort to bring us all together for our upcoming national holiday (yes, Quebec, we’re doing this!), the one and only Canada Day, I’ve put together a patriotic guide for all of us Medicare card holders to refer to when gettin’ our Canadiana on for July 1st. Here’s how to look, smell and feel more Canadian.
Start with Fresh Breath!
Everyone knows that the Canadian handshake is a full open mouth kiss. It’s part of the reason TIFF has become such a huge international attraction, and the reason why Canadians are so much more loved than Americans when traveling around the world. What’s that, you say? Canadians are known for being nice? Yeah, put “nice” in quotations where it belongs. I can’t remember the last time a Canadian held a door open for me, and I live here. But I can tell you the last time a Canadian tried to make out with me: it was just 30 seconds ago when I signed for a package and the delivery guy took a huge and shameless sniff of my hair. Weird! But that’s why I’m always armed with a breath spray. You never know when the delivery guy is going to be super cute. Breath spray, like this adorable one called Look and Feel Canadian Instantly Breath Spray (pictured above) available at The Drake General Store for $6, lets you get straight to the making out without accidentally choking on a piece of gum in the process.
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Max Out the Maple
Forget “O Canada.” I feel more patriotic when I hear Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” and I have flashbacks to my first time sugaring off in the snowbanks of Knowlton, Quebec. Maple syrup might not literally be in our blood as Canadians, but it can be if you make up an exciting tall tale about it… I get a kick out of telling two lies to Americans. The first is that all Canadians are drafted into the seal hunt for two years of our lives. That makes ’em so angry! And the second is that we use maple syrup to do everything: wax our legs, glue our igloos together, trap our enemies, you name it! That’s why it feels oh-so patriotic to smell like maple syrup to me on Canada Day, even if it’s based on a huge deception that I used to seduce Brooklyn hipsters at Ontario Bar in Williamsburg when trying to score dual citizenship. Thanks, Demeter Maple fragrance!
Give Yourself A Canadian Manicure
You know how when you speak Canadian French in France, the odd Parisian will shudder at the sound of your accent as if you’re purposely mocking his language? Well, now it’s time to purposely mock the French manicure with our very own French (Canadian) manicure. Just paint the tips as messily as you can in a gorgeous shade of bright red — you know, the kind of red your finger tips would be fresh after a kill on the aforementioned seal hunt. Happy Canada Day, everyone!
