How to Take A Selfie (Without Looking Delusional)

Vv Magazine’s Vicki Hogarth explores the ways in which the #selfie of the social media era has transformed the way we behave and see ourselves while coming to terms with how to take a #selfie (without looking delusional)…

We’ve all seen ’em. In fact, some people even think it’s acceptable to use selfies of their own reflections in mirrors as their Facebook profile pics. A picture might be worth 1,000 words on a good day, but a mirror selfie just oozes I have absolutely no creativity, and possibly no friends to take my photo. The selfie might get a lot of grief, but it’s only actually shameless when it’s obvious and/or poorly executed. No one should ever know just how much you love yourself and how much you crave attention for your physical appearance. Save those issues for the therapist’s couch and learn how to take a selfie like a champ who has friends.

“No one wants to see another kissy face or a bad tagline like, ‘Gettin’ pretty for Rachel’s Bachelorette party – so excited!'”

Selfie Rule No. 1: Be Somewhere So Cool It Warrants a Selfie
No, your bathroom doesn’t count, neither does “da club” or anywhere you could be any random day of the week. Any douche can drink a martini on the rooftop of a five star hotel. But is there a two-headed pig going into labour behind you? Take a selfie. That’s crazy! No one will believe you saw that with your own eyes. Is that Alexander Skarsgard in front of you in line at Starbucks? Whip out that iPhone and start selfie-ing. You need photographic evidence of your physical proximity to fame and/or weirdness!

Selfie Rule No. 2: Involve Animals
Sometimes you’re having such a good hair day that you need to show it off to all your exes who you’re reluctantly and/or insidiously still friends with on Facebook, but your actual friends aren’t available to to tag you in a photo. No problem! Find a cute animal and get camera happy. No one thinks it’s self-involved to post photos of yourself snuggling up to furry creatures, even if they’re obvious selfies. You’ll just look like the kind of person who volunteers at the SPCA when you’re not doing more important things like Google Image searching yourself.

“Obvious selfies that are devoid of an interesting backdrop should only be used for showcasing your unparalleled personality. Wear war paint”

Selfie Rule No. 3: Obvious Selfies With No Animals or Famous People Should Be Hilarious, Never Vain
If you’re going to take a photo that’s an obvious selfie in which viewers can see one of your arms stretched out in the margins trying to capture the essence of you with all its length, at least make it hilarious. No one wants to see another kissy face or a bad tagline like, “Gettin’ pretty for Rachel’s Bachelorette party – so excited!” That’s just a sad cry for attention, and any complimentary comments you get regarding said photo don’t actually mean anything because you asked for them, see? Obvious selfies that are devoid of an interesting backdrop should only be used for showcasing your unparalleled personality. Wear war paint; have a whole Sausage McMuffin stuffed in your mouth; be spitting out bloody teeth after an underground Fight Club rendezvous… You get the idea.

Selfie Rule No. 4: Lie on the Floor
Why is the photo of you so close up? Obviously because someone who’s totally into you just snapped it while you were lying around together contemplating the meaning of life and falling in love, that’s why. Don’t explain it. Just post it and roll with it. Make sure to label the photo something suggestive like, “We had a daydream believin’ kind of day.” When it comes to inciting jealousy, this is evil, and it works!

“I’m a firm believer that all you need is love, but when you’re all alone, no one ever said that you couldn’t use an iPhone, a little creativity and a Facebook account as a means of getting it.”

Self Rule No. 5: Get Artsy
The sheer intrigue of a photo can totally distract from the depth of your vanity. Beauty might be skin deep, but a twisted, corrupt, self-involved but nevertheless artistic mind is really boundless. Have fun! Make a day of it!

Selfie Rule No. 6: Pretend to Be Caught Off Guard
Don’t smile, don’t even look at the camera. Feign an expression that implies something out of the frame has your attention. Make your face exude fascination, intrigue and confusion all at the same time to really throw off the viewer. Now do something totally awkward with your hands or arms that you usually do when you get nervous or pensive. Now snap! Wait, does your hair look amazing? No biggie. You can always try again. After all, there’s no one around to judge. Perhaps up the insanity by creating a fake Facebook account and tagging yourself in “someone else’s” photo, and giving it a header like, “Vicki was totally enthralled (and possibly disgusted?) by what the busker was willing to do with his fire sticks.” Sure, I’m a firm believer that all you need is love, but when you’re all alone, no one ever said that you couldn’t use an iPhone, a little creativity and a Facebook account as a means of getting it.

Once you’ve mastered the skills of how to take a selfie without looking delusional, check out Vicki’s take on massive hair transformations in “Why Women Cut Off Their Hair.“