The Nickelback Awards: The absolute worst song lyrics ever

Songwriting is a delicate art. You want to tell a story but still leave something to the imagination. Artists have struggled over the years to hit that perfect sweet spot, but not without a few blunders. Sometimes they miss the mark and come out a little more Weird-Al than Wordsworth. And so here, in no particular order, is our list of the 30 worst attempts at musical poetry ever.

1. Kiss: Burn Bitch Burn
“Oh Babe, I wanna put my log in your fireplace.”
That doesn’t really sound fun for you, Gene.

2. R Kelly: You Remind Me of Something
“Girl, you look just like my car, I wanna wax it.”
So essentially, he would like to apply a thin coat of wax to your body and then buff it in with a microfiber towel. Also you look just like his Subaru.

3. Ariana Grande: Break Free
“I only want to die alive.”
Ariana Grande clearly missed class the day they discussed the difference between life and death.

4. Nickelback: Figured You Out
“I love your lack of self respect/ while you’re passed out on the deck/ I love my hands around your neck.”
Did anyone look into Nickleback after this song came out? Chad Kroeger really outdid himself with this one, weaving together lines that are patronizing, misogynistic, and creepily abusive. Good on you, Nickelback.

5. Britney Spears: Email My Heart
“Email my heart and say our love will never die.”
You’re probably thinking, silly Britney, HEARTS can’t receive emails! But then you’ll realize this song was actually released in 1999 before email was really that big of a thing. Yup, she was revolutionary. It’s 2015, why aren’t more people writing about emails?

6. Sisqo: Thong Song
“She had dumps like a truck truck truck/ Thighs like what what what/ Baby move your butt butt butt.”
This guy really knows how to sweet-talk a girl. Want to turn her on? Compare her to a dump truck – they practically ooze sexiness.

7. Black-Eyed Peas: I Gotta Feeling
“Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday to Sunday.”
Rebecca Black wasn’t the first one to capitalize off pre-school teachings. The Black-Eyed Peas made a killing off reciting the days of the week while we have to sit here with the same unanswered question: What happens after Sunday?!

8. Eminem: Shady CXVPHER
“Play nice, bitch/ I’ll punch Lana Del Rey in the face twice.”
Please don’t.

9. Jay-Z on Beyoncé’s: Drunk in Love
“Sleep tight, we sex again in the morning/ your breasteses is my breakfast, we goin’ in.”
Thank you, Jay-Z for creating the word breasteses.

10. Piles: John Legend All of Me (Remix)
“I hope that thang so good, /make me thinkin’ about drinkin’ your bath water.”
This would not be an enjoyable experience. It would probably taste like Bath & Body Works threw up in your mouth. Also, ew.

11. Warrant: Cherry Pie
“She’s my cherry pie/ cool drink of water/ such a sweet surprise.”
Which is she? A fruity pie? A quenching beverage? Make up your mind, man.

12. Pitbull: DJs Got Us Falling in Love
“Honey got me swishin’ like a dreadlock/ she don’t wrestle but I got her in a headlock/ Yabba dabba do, make her bed rock.”
Usher is just sitting back doing his thing when, out of nowhere, Pitbull steps on to the scene to interrupt him with some lines about abusing a girl and then proceeds to make a Flintstones reference.

13. Lil B: Wonton Soup
“Bitches suck my dick because I look like JK Rowling.”
Not sure you know what JK Rowling looks like, Lil B. Hopefully she Avada Kedavra’d you right after.

14. Train: 50 Ways to Say Goodbye
“Someday I’ll find a love like yours/ she’ll think I’m superman not super minivan/ how could you leave on Yom Kippur?”
Being a super minivan could be kind of cool. Would it fly? Have super sonic lasers? It would definitely have some pretty rad stow-and-go compartments. If only she had stayed till the end of Yom Kippur to see how great a super sonic minivan really can be.

15. Hilary Duff: So Yesterday
“If the light is off, then it isn’t on.”
Hilary: bringing you breaking scientific news since 2003.

16. Kanye West: Stronger
“Heard they’d do anything for a Klondike/ but I’d do anything for a blonde-dike.”
Translation: Kanye was offered sponsorship from Klondike but had nothing to rhyme it with.

17. Chris Brown: Look At Me Now
“And she accidentally slip and fall on my dick/ oops I said on my dick/ I ain’t really mean to say on my dick/ but since we talking about my dick/ all of you haters say hi to it/ I’m done.”
Let’s play how many times Chris Brown can reference his dick before we get creeped out and stop listening. Jeez, Chris, no one wants to say hi to your dick. But thank you for letting us know that you’re “done.”

18. Sublime: What I Got
“I got a Dalmatian, I can still get high.”
No WAY! Can you also still live life exactly as you had been previous to buying said Dalmatian? Tell us more.

19. Dr. Dre + Snoop Dogg: Ain’t Nothing But A G Thang
“Never let me slip, cuz if I slip, then I’m slippin’.”
If he slips, he will, in fact, be slippin’. To clarify, slippage will be experienced.

20. Pink: Raise Your Glass
“So if you’re too school for cool.”
We see what you did there, Pink. You’re too school to know how adjectives work. We’re still cooler than you.

21. Kelly Clarkson: Invincible
“I was running from an empty threat of emptiness.”
Don’t you hate when you’re writing a song and the words just aren’t flowing so you use a variation of the same one? They’re threatening you with nothing, Kelly. An empty threat of emptiness = nothing.

22. 50 Cent: Candy Shop
“Isn’t it ironic how erotic it is to watch ‘em in thongs?”
50 Cent was obviously under a rock when “Jagged Little Pill” came out because this is the exact opposite of ironic. It’s OK to feel this way, bro. It’s normal.

23. Mariah Carey: Don’t Stop
“I’m like a bowl of gumbo/ you ain’t hotter than this/ I’m what they play in the club-o.”
Reading this, you’d probably think, “OK, Mariah used gumbo because she has a super cool phrase that ends in –umbo that she wants to use later and needed a quick rhyme.” To which you would be wrong. She rhymes it with club-o. Mariah is voluntarily comparing herself to the famous Louisianan stew of strongly flavoured stock, meat or shellfish, and the vegetable holy trinity of celery, bell peppers, and onions. Not seeing the connection, Mariah.

24. Barenaked Ladies: One Week
“You’ll think you’re looking at aqua man/ I’ll summon fish to the dish, although I like the Chalet Swiss/ I like the sushi.”
This song is really just a test of how many random words you can rhyme off without messing up. Also any song that openly mentions Swiss Chalet is pretty questionable in our books.

25. Kanye West: ET by Katy Perry
“Pockets on Shrek, rockets on deck/ tell me what’s next? Alien sex/ Imma disrobe you, then imma probe you/ see I abducted you.”
We’re still pretty confused about what Kanye means by “Pockets on Shrek.” Is this a typo that no one wanted to correct? Also having sex with aliens and probing them probably isn’t good for your health, Kanye.

26. Kanye West: Big Brother
“I’m like damn no way/ Translate Español, no way, José.”
Guys, Kanye can speak Spanish! He’s singing in two languages! We’re so freaking impressed right now!

27. Tik Tok: Ke$ha
“I’m talkin’ bout everybody getting crunk, crunk/ boys tryna touch my junk, junk.”
You know how we talked about leaving some of the story to the imagination? That doesn’t seem to be Ke$ha’s forte. People will be crunk, and boys will touch you. End of story. But maybe don’t call your lady parts “junk” next time.

28. Paul Anka: (You’re) Having My Baby
“Havin’ my baby/ what a lovely way of sayin’/ what you’re thinkin’ of me”.
Or you could’ve just bought him a heart-shaped chocolate. That would’ve shown you were thinkin’ of him. This is what happens when people “Netflix and chill” without protection, people.

29. Hedley: Kiss You Inside Out
“Give up the fight/ I’m in control…Just close your eyes and shut your mouth/ and let me kiss you inside out.”
Fact: this is Christian Grey’s anthem when he’s taking advantage of awkward shy girls. It’s also probably one of the creepiest songs ever written masquerading as a happy pop love song.

30. No Way No: Magic!
“Will I ever back down my sword to protect our home? No way no.”
We can all guess what sword he’s talking about. But will that really protect your home? Invest in a security alarm; it’s probably a lot safer. And more bearable to listen to.

Related Link: Why do you love trash Top 40?

Did we miss any of the worst song lyrics ever? Let Vv Magazine know in the comments below, or tweet us @ViewtheVibe.