17 Reasons Being Single Rules Hard Right Now

Sure, being single has always been awesome, but with recent inventions like Tinder, along with free and easily accessible porn and the impending Apocalypse, there’s no better time than now to avoid coupledom. Here are 17 of the best reasons, both new and classic, to love being single right now.

1. Tindering in other countries
As long as you don’t turn Tinder into a poor man’s AirBnB for sex trade workers with a penchant for travel, why not go on a date next time you’re in New York or Paris? You’ll get a local’s take on the city you’re visiting and maybe even a green card out of the whole ordeal. It’s the unsung Tinder dream.

2. Tindering at home!
Why would I go to the bar when I can meet people all within a respectable, legal age demographic from my own bed… with acne medication on my face… in the confidence-boosting comfort of a text message conversation in which my sense of humour thrives. Tinder profile pic represent cuz I’m about to order pizza too…

3. Farting openly
Oh come on, like you don’t love to do it when you’re all alone and can just take it all in and think, “I did that!”

4. Eating in bed
Eff breakfast in bed. If I wanted to eat all propped up by pillows and off a tray I’d get my tonsils taking out or build a time machine destined for 19th century Victorian England. Give me chips and back-to-back Game of Thrones and I’ll gladly dirty my sheets for all the wrong reasons. It’s a hedon’s picnic paradise for one with the option of passing out afterwards without being arrested for public indecency.

5. You didn’t disappoint your family by settling yet
Miranda Kerr’s newly single, fellas, and, ladies, Prince Harry was always the hotter, non-inbred prince anyway. And, really, any of us singletons could still marry the next President of the United States, or at the very least one of the runner-ups on American Idol. If you ever deep-down think you’re settling, you’re being a bit of a monster to the person you’re with who deserves clearly deserves someone better than you — someone who actually thinks he or she is a total package. Besides, it’s fun to keep the secret dream of being a kept man or woman alive. The false hope that lotto tickets provides just isn’t enough sometimes.

6. Porn
The shameful kind that just happens to be your favourite niche, served up shame-free — no explanations required. Thanks, internet era!  Thanks, solely leased apartment!

7. Not getting fat
Not only do couples tend to foster weird rituals like eating plates of heaping family-style meals together regularly, they tend to start finding things like bread baskets and dessert menus more inviting. Some say its the security of a relationship that makes them just want to let loose and enjoy life. I own too much pleather for that crap.

8. Ridiculous vacation plans
It’s summer. Would you rather visit someone else’s family in Edmonton or hitchhike across Europe? I know the West Edmonton Mall has three GAPs and an indoor pool but I’m pretty sure Greece still has amazing beaches, the Mediterranean and a bankrupt economy desperate for even the cheapest of last-minute North American travelers.

9. Summer flings
Couples make those “free pass” lists of five celebs they’re still allowed to sleep with to give themselves the illusion that flings are still a possibility whereas I’ve actually hooked up with a sexy Oscar winner in real life. Now, whose story do you really want to hear at a dinner party: the fake cheat list or my actual celebrity scandal? I’ll see you at 8 then…

10. Accomplishing life goals
I’m sure seeing all of the summer blockbusters on opening night counts for something, but it’s not a coincidence that the majority of the people I know who are currently single are all working on pretty impressive dream projects. They stay up late, miss the odd event due to self-imposed deadlines, and get stuff done they’re proud of. It’s easy to poke fun at “dreamers” in the early stages of their endeavours, but even I’m going to be finished writing my first book in the fall thanks to a writing workshop I go to every Saturday. It’s easy to skip out on those kind of things when a long-term, committed relationship makes “dream” time seem selfish. But, yeah, I totally haven’t seen X-Men: Days of Future Past yet.

11. The perfect sleep cycles of singleton life that you take for granted
Slept in til 2 pm? Who cares! Came home at 4:30 am? I hope you got McDonalds on the way. Slept 14 hours for no reason? Nah, you had a reason: you’re awesome.

12. Children are way over-rated
Shhh, don’t tell anyone, but lots of single people still have kids on their own too. That said, are you really in a rush to produce offspring? No one likes to say this out loud, but kids are insanely expensive, exhausting, time-consuming, anxiety-inducing, and prone to selfish, cruel behaviour. That’s why some of our worst memories of being bullied come from our respective childhoods. Kids get an unfair rep for being pure and innocent, but I see them for what they really are: raw, unadulterated greed machines yet to be tempered by the knowledge of social graces, a deep sense of compassion derived from experience and a true understanding of consequences. Also, I like my free time.

13. You can procreate without the parenting… for money!
If a sense of immortality is what you’re really after, sperm banks and egg donor clinics will pay you for your reproductive offerings in the USA. Hello Florida Spring Break 2015! Turns out that Master’s degree will come in handy after all… for $2,000 more for my intellectually elite eggs.

14. Hanging with your friends. All. The. Time
I’ve dated some awesome people, but I’ve never dated anyone who had funnier, more amazing friends than I do. Have you? If so, stop dating for company and join a club or take a class instead. You clearly need more life-long friends than you do an active love life. The most kickass friends trump any long history of fantastic exes and their social circles. Besides, you never really get to keep your ex’s friends, even after multiple-year relationships in which the circles seemed to merge. Trust me.

15. Long-distance love affairs
Right now I’m casually kinda-sorta seeing someone in a non-committal way who lives… in the suburbs! I mean, he has a yard and a driveway — how foreign and sexy is that! I’ve dated guys in other cities, but this is like stepping into a Narnia-style doorway back to childhood except I’m now a grownup and all the other grownups are suddenly good-looking. When he texts to say he’s mowing his lawn, I’m all like, “Where are you from? Tell. Me. More… And then take me to IKEA and East Side Mario’s, please!”

16. Not recycling
Unrinsed tuna can, meet your new home… the garbage! Yeah, it’s so wrong but sometimes it feels so right, and your carbon footprint is way less serious than if you threw out truckloads of disposable diapers or mailed paper wedding invitations to everyone you know or sent out whatever cruel, cruel things people send in boxes with trapped butterflies inside them… But seriously, no one’s looking. Burn Styrofoam if you’re feelin’ it!

17. Feeling lonely once in a while is kinda the best
If you get to spend ample time alone, you’ll feel lonely once in a while, sure. Call your Mom. She misses you. Write an old friend on Facebook. They’re the people who will always be there. Why be so concerned with who you’ve yet to meet in the future when you’ve got a great past full of awesome people to enjoy the present moment with? Maybe your next relationship will be the keeper, maybe it won’t. Given my own personal track record, I’ve yet to pull one off without it ending eventually, right? I’m not a cynic, just a realist, and life is a lot more interesting when coupling up isn’t a constant goal — just a lovely addition to an already full life, when the timing’s right.